Ahh! It's the end of the world!

So today is the end of the world...or at least that's what we've heard. And of course, my first response is to get on my Christian bandwagon and quote Matthew 24:36 (“No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."). Now, I believe the truth of this Scripture and am not in any way attempting to discredit it. But I'm not sure that I like how automatic my response is. I can't help but wonder if my disbelief in today's end of the world is more a reflection of how comfortable this earth has become to me. Which makes me ponder what would be my response if today were the end of things. Is my hope in Christ and my anticipation of spending eternity with Him secure enough that I would be ready to say goodbye to this world? Or would I be disappointed that I didn't finish that project, didn't get married, didn't do all the traveling I wanted to do, didn't finish my education, didn't see my dreams take place, etc? Is my desire to be with the Lord greater than my desire to continue my life on earth? Is my grasp on eternal things tighter than my grasp on the temporal things of this life on earth? It's easy to say that I would totally be okay with Jesus coming back when I'm going through a painful season, in an uncomfortable position, or in a rocky relationship. But what about when life is good? What about when I'm sitting with a good friend watching a beautiful sunset? What about when I'm laughing my way through a funny movie? Or walking the streets of some ancient city basking in the beauty of its architecture? Is my desire to be with the Lord stronger than my desire to spend more moments experiencing the positive things of this life? I will be honest,  the only things that I have physically touched, smelled, heard, or tasted are things of this world. And in this human existence, it's hard to imagine wanting anything more. It's hard to have faith to see the span of eternity when my hands have known the softness of a baby's face, my nose knows the smell of Thanksgiving, my ears have heard the sound of a beautiful choir, or when I have tasted the sweetness of this  life. It's hard to hold onto faith in eternity when I'm experiencing life now. But then again, how much time do I spend allowing the Lord to cover me? How much do I ask the Lord to fill me? What will it take for me to grasp the importance of spending eternity with the Lord? Would my heart be broken if this world was torn away from me? Just how many strings would be severed? Would my heart still be intact? Lord, help me to drown myself in you. Help me to let go of worldly things even yet while I am still surrounded by the things of this world. Help me to know that every good and perfect gift comes from you and is a tiny glimpse of what you have prepared for me in glory.

Giving God the shaft...the "friend zone."

"I'm so glad we're FRIENDS." "I appreciate your FRIENDship." "Hey, buddy, pal, FRIEND." These are all great words to hear as long as you feel the same way. But I think we've all experienced how it feels when you like someone as more than just a friend, but it's not reciprocated. And it's during these times that the "friend zone" is not a fun place to be in. You can't turn off your feelings, yet you don't want to lose the friendship, so you put your feelings on the back burner and life goes on, sometimes at a seemingly slower pace. Because your hopes and expectations of the relationship look differently than the other person. This is something I've noticed that I've done with the Lord. He totally gets the "shaft" from me at times.

Because of my tendency to be human, I have a hard time understanding a God skillful enough to create the universe I live in, but yet personal enough to love me intimately. So I do things for Him, but have a hard time giving my whole life to Him. I spend time with Him, but am unaware of His presence at all times. I worship Him on Sundays, but fail to give Him the glory throughout the entire week. I say a few words of thanks to Him before a meal, but I don't have an attitude of praise. I plan my life asking for His blessings instead of surrendering the course of my life to Him. I say that I love Him, but it's based on His love for me. I know He loves me, yet fail to rely on His love. I say that He's all I need, yet I still cling to the things of this world. I say He's my provider, yet still stress the amount of the next paycheck.

I keep God in a box, and am surprised when He goes outside of it. (not that He could fit in it in the first place) I have pre-conceived ideas of the depth God wants to go in our relationship, so I fail to trust when He takes me deeper than expected. I put God in the "friendship zone" and miserably fail to realize that He wants so much more than anything I could ever dream of. But you know, there have been times where I have let go of my inhibitions and I've dove into the depth of an amazingly intimate relationship with the Lover of my Soul, and let me tell you, it's something that leaves a forever impression on you. And when you go through times of putting God back into the "friend zone," there is a still small Voice tenderly calling, an ache that speaks of something deeper, and a longing that cannot be quenched until we lose ourselves in the abyss of God's overwhelmingly loving arms. And that's a place where I want to stay. That's the place where I belong. That's a place where I am changed. And that's the place life is truly found.

What's love got to do with it?

So love. Let's talk about it. Anyone who's watched movies with me knows that I'm that one person who likes to talk during the film. I just can't help it. When you're sitting next to someone, doesn't it make sense to verbally share the experience together? And those dedicated enough to our friendship who have watched more than one movie with me has had to listen to my passionate rantings on how love is portrayed in Hollywood. With all the mushy kisses, sappy lines, and heroic gestures we see in the film world, we tend to forget that we live in the real world filled with heartache, divorces, and affairs. I don't say this to be negative or cynical, in fact, I think that in order to reach the positive side of things, you have to visit the negative first. Of which I think Hollywood tends to glamorize or just avoid all together.

 I've seen a countless number of movies where two people in unhappy marriages fall in "love" and divorce their spouses and start their new life together. Lines like "I just wasn't happy with that other person," and "You make me happy," are heard in these type of movies. Or I've seen movies where after knowing someone for a whole 2 hours, the main characters fall into bed with each other and after about a month and one minor falling out, they live happily ever after or at least that's where the movie decides to end. In these movies, you hear things like, "I fell in love with you the first moment I saw you," or "I feel like I've known you all my life." Then there's movies that follow the plot line where two emotionally damaged people find each other and fall into "love." You hear things said like, "You love me like he/she never could have," or "You complete me."

Now all these things might have good intentions and maybe at some point they are good, but are they love? And does Hollywood show the real side? It shows you scenes of steamy love affairs, but does it show you the scenes of the little broken hearts crying in their beds wondering why mommy and daddy aren't reading them bedtimes stories together anymore? It shows you love at first sight romances and spontaneous proclamations, but what about 5 years down the road when you realize you don't really know the person you married. It shows you passion-filled nights and morning kisses, but does it show you what happens when you realize the other person's bad habits or the brushing of the teeth that has to happen before the morning kiss? It doesn't show any of it. Therefore it leaves a society, very much affected by Hollywood's message, with a twisted picture of real love.

So then I ask God, "What is true love then?" Well, it's in the way the Lord loves me. The way He pursues me, His faithfulness, and His forgiveness. It's found in 1 Corinthians chapter 13, John 3:16, John 15:13, 1 John 4:10, and many other places in the Bible. Love is God extending Himself to us, not us reaching out for Him. Love is laying down one's life for a friend. Love is sacrificing your life for a world full of people that could never pay you back. Love is patient and waits for the right person in the right season, love is kind even when the other person is annoying, it doesn't envy someone's else wife or husband, doesn't boast about its many one-night stands, it's not prideful but puts the other person's needs before their own, it's not rude because it strives to speak words of encouragement, it's not self-seeking but considers the aftereffect of one's actions, it's not easily angered and avoids hurtful words, keeps no records of wrongs and forgives even when it's not reciprocated, it doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, it always protects the little ones following in its footsteps, always trusts and doesn't assume the worst, always hopes and believes in the other person, it always perseveres and is patient with others' struggles, and it never fails, not even for one second. Love is a choice, not a feeling. Love is something we are only capable of with God. God is love (1 John 4:8), and outside of God, there is no love.

Now I love movies and I enjoy watching them. But I can only take them with a grain of salt. I have to fill my mind with God's Word so that the message of Hollywood grows faint. I have to love the people in my life based on God's love for me. I have to guard my heart and wait for the man God has for me. Now I'll be honest and say that I have never found myself in a romantic relationship/entanglement, and you can be honest and say that my lack of experience might make me not a very good authority on love. I wouldn't for one second blame you for it. But I will say that though, I've not yet met the one God has intended for me to love, I know love, true love. And though I am not perfect at loving, I am loved by the One Who is. So there you have it. Now you don't have to sit through a movie with me to hear me rant, cause you just read my blog. Take it or leave it.

So Paris...now what? How you gonna top that?

"The thief only comes to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and life to the full." John 10:10

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10

Now that the excitement of being back home is wearing off and I'm beginning to see people for "the first time in 2 years" less and less, reality is sinking in and I'm feeling like the normal Talia who lives in Grants Pass, not "Talia who's been in Paris for 2 years." I can't tell you how many times I've been presented with the question, "You lived in Paris huh? So how you gonna top that now?" And every time my answer is always, "Well, when you're following Jesus, it's a pretty easy thing to do." But as much as I say it and as much as I know the truth of that statement in my head, does it make its way to my heart? As much belief as I put in it, do I rely on it?

I've gone back to the job I had before Paris. First day back, I was so excited to get started. I felt so blessed to be a part of making a daily difference in children's lives. I was so excited. But of course, as working with 200 or so kids a day gets to you, you begin to feel overwhelmed, and that's when doubt, fear, and cynicism sets in, and you begin to question things. It's only been a week, and I can't tell you how many times I've already had to hold tightly to these verses in John and Nehemiah. (above) As much as I have to cling to the life and joy that the Lord gives, I have to be aware that there is an enemy that is trying to steal, kill, and destroy those very things.

Now the way we would define a full life is usually not God's idea of what that means. It's not about happiness and good luck, it's about joy and peace in hard times and God's plan at work. It's not about money and worldly success, it's about God's Kingdom first and then "all these things will be added unto you." (what we need, not necessarily what we want) It's not about having a summer house in the South of France and a yacht, it's about "storing up heavenly treasures." It's not about our desires, but rather them aligning with His desires.

So life in Paris was very exciting. But I'm in Grants Pass now. And as exciting as walking the streets of the City of Lights was, I still have the Light of the World as my guide. I'm still walking with the same Jesus I walked with while gazing at the lights on the Eiffel Tower. The same God that was portrayed in the stained-glass windows in the Notre Dame Cathedral is living inside of my heart. So regardless of how small the town or how seemingly insignificant the impact, God is still at work and always will be. In fact, it's not just something I say or know, it's something that I have to passionately believe, fervently stand on, and confidently rely on. Jesus came that I might have life to the full and He meant that for me and for all of us, regardless of the city we live in, the trials we go through, or the challenges we face. Instead of basing the faithfulness of God's love, our success, or our happiness, on our circumstances, let's believe God loves us despite what the messages of this world might tell us and that the life He promises is bigger than worldly ambition. Let's have joy be our strength, and let's walk everyday in the fullness of the life God gives.

Settlin' down

"'Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.'" Jeremiah 29:5-7

After a couple of months of being in Paris, the excitement of living in a new city wore off, and I began to miss Oregon. I missed my family, my friends, my church family, my co-workers, and I missed the passion I had for my job working with kids. Even though it was to Paris, it felt unfair that the Lord would call me away from Grants Pass. That's where my heart was, that's where I was doing ministry. God was doing cool things in my hometown and I go to be a part of those things. Now why did I find myself in a huge city with no friends, no church family, no where I was plugging into or serving. Well, I didn't find out why until the Lord gave me these verses (above) and began to let them sink in and live them out.

Though I am a very open person and am usually always opening myself up to new friendships, I was holding back those first couple of months in Paris. I didn't want to let go of my loved-ones back in the States, I didn't want to lose the passion I had for working at the Boys and Girls Club. I just wanted to be there for a year, take care of the kids, learn french, then go back home. But that is not what these verses in Jeremiah were telling me to do, and that's not what God had in mind for me to do. He was calling me to let go of the burden I felt for the work I was doing back home, knock down the wall I had put in front of my heart, and accept the new people He was bringing into my life.

So I did it! I started attending the American Church in Paris, I got involved with the youth group and worship team there. I was intentional about my relationships at french school, at church, the kids' music school and everywhere I went really. I started praying for the city of Paris. And eventually it happened, I had a new burden for a new city, a new passion for a new work, and a new love for my new friends. It was amazing! I got to be a part of the cool things the Lord was doing in Paris. And before I knew it, I found myself going back for another year. This 2nd year was amazing also. I was more comfortable going back and more eager to jump into my Paris life again. Were I to recount to you all the things the Lord did, I would be writing this blog forever. I saw Him change peoples' hearts of stone, I saw Him heal peoples' hurts and hang-ups, soften peoples' rough exterior, I had a new boldness to talk about Jesus, I was challenged to grow in my own walk with the Lord, I saw Him work in my friends' lives, and the list could go on. God showed up! (or more accurately, I showed up and was able to be a part of what God was already doing)

I was there, I was really there! I was blooming where I was planted. It was an exciting time. And then the Lord called me back home. Leaving was a hard thing to do. I felt it unfair, once again, of God to pull me away from a place where my passion, my prayers, and my love was. I began to regret my decision to follow the words in Jeremiah and the call to settle down. I felt it was all in vain. I was pretty heart-broken to be perfectly honest. Then the Lord did a cool thing. On my last Sunday with the youth group, the kids and staff encouraged and build me up with words of appreciation. I was able to hear how the Lord was at work through me. (well, really He could have done it without me, but I felt honored to be able to help) And then they all prayed for me, and I couldn't help it, I cried. I cried because, I was able to experience one of those rare moments when you get to see the "why" response to things we question in life. So there was a purpose in the short 2 years I was in Paris. My heart was so full and my cup was definitely running over.

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for that youth group in Paris. I will always remember how God used them to prepare my heart for the new path He was leading me on back to Grants Pass. So in conclusion I will say, "Build houses, settle down, marry, increase in number, pray for and seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which God has called you to. No matter the trial, no matter the season, no matter the environment you currently find yourself in, seek God, seek His Kingdom, and I promise if you seek Him with all your heart, you will find Him, and if you seek first His Kingdom, all the things you needed will added unto you."

My Cup Runneth Over? What does that even mean?

I've always loved using the phrase "My cup runneth over." I use it when my heart is full and overflowing with the feeling of being loved. When I am surrounded by good friends. After a family gathering filled with laughter. And my cup runs over the most after spending time with the Lover of my Soul, Jesus. My cup becomes so full that it overflows, and I can't help but share those times with others. So that is what this blog is. I have subjected all my facebook friends to the blubberings of a crazy person in love with Something unseen for some time now, so I have decided to put it all in one place. You should know though that I really am not crazy. In fact I think my sanity is directly related to my relationship with the Lord.

A few things I promise. I promise that this blog, this account of my times with the Lord, will be honest, sincere, and real. I will not fake any of it. I will only share of my experience. As Charles Spurgeon said, "I can truly declare among you that I do not preach this doctrine of vicarious sacrifice as one among many theories, but the saving fact of my experience. I must preach this or nothing." My experience with Jesus is what I will share. While, I am not a preacher, I am a receiver of God's grace in my life, and I do experience Him on a regular basis and feel compelled to share that with others.

I will also promise that I will make human mistakes, because, well, I am human, a very small human at that, trying to understand a very real, and a very big God. There will be moments that I will put God in a box and feel free to point it out when I do. My aim is for my view of myself to get smaller and smaller (height wise, I'd say that process is well on its way) and for my view of God to get bigger and bigger, and we all need help and someone to bring us down to our actual size.

I promise that God has something for you in the midst of this. Not because of me or anything I've done, in fact really, let's be honest, it's despite what I've done. In Isaiah 55:11 it says, "So is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." I will commit to bring the truth of God's Word to every entry so that it's His Word at work, not mine.

Some of you may be wondering, start a blog? Why now? Why after your exciting life in Paris is over? Well, there's nothing mundane about following Jesus, in fact I give Jesus the glory for all the excitement in every moment of my life. And that's real life, not where you're at or the experiences you have, but it's Who you're experiencing it with, Who You're following, and Who's writing the story of your life. So now that all that's out of the way, I guess I can officially start posting and you can start reading if you feel compelled to do so. (Especially those of you who have been after me to start a blog for a long time) God bless you all as you walk in Him.