The Life of the Heart

It's interesting the things we do to not feel. Some drink, some get high, some eat, some binge watch Netflix, some workout, some get over involved at church, some never let themselves mess up, some keep themselves busy with "serving." We all have our things we turn to. Sometimes not feeling is good. For example, better to run a mile then to punch someone in the face. But to live life constantly avoiding the things of the heart, makes for a pretty empty existence.

I think in the past I didn't struggle as much to give God control over my life as much as I just didn't really ever give Him control over my heart. Therein lies my problem of avoiding emotions. Following Jesus so far has kind of sucked, to be honest. I've had to forgive people who have wronged me, I've had let go of great guys just because they didn't love Jesus, I've had to smile at people who are rude, I've had to say goodbye to people because "God called me somewhere else," I've had to keep my lady parts on lock down (most ladies who love Jesus won't admit to this one, but the struggle is real!), I've had to endure the heartbreak that comes with putting myself out there.

Without realizing it, life has kind of trained me to stay numb to the things of the heart. So I've given Jesus my actions and my words, but I've kept my heart at bay. Yes, I may willingly feed a homeless person, but I don't listen to their story. I may volunteer to cook a meal for some troubled teens at camp, but I don't get attached. I may move away to follow Jesus, but I don't fully engage with the new people. I may talk with a guy and get to know him, but I don't initiate affection. I may listen to someone for hours, but I don't get vulnerable myself. I may seem social and I crack a lot of jokes, but I'm probably really avoiding tears. I've avoided rejection and pain at all costs. I go to work, talk courteously, smile politely. Off the clock, I stay busy with activities or read or watch something that distracts me from the life of my heart.

There's so much more to life than just being logical and guarded and there's so much more to following Jesus than robotic-ally focusing on always being a good person. Pain, rejection, and sorrow are the things we must risk feeling to ever feel the things that are life-giving. Following Jesus may involve saying goodbye, but it always involves new opportunity for life. It's not always good to go straight for the gym, the tv remote, or to the church to serve. Sometimes it's good to just sit and be still and feel every ounce of emotion that has been kept at bay. There is nothing strong enough besides God to hold the weight of all the emotions that life brings. Food runs out, alcohol is expensive, and there's only so many episodes in a series before it's over.

When following Jesus became uncool

 In the church world, I was pretty cool. I was saving it for Jesus, didn't even date, said crap like, "I just need to focus on God's Kingdom right now."  Or "I'm just too young to know what love really is." I didn't do drugs or drink, I spoke fluent Christianese, I thought things like, "I wonder why that person doesn't have their hands raised or eyes closed during worship, I'll pray for them," and I even held Bible studies at my house on the weekends. Not all of these things are bad, some of them can be good, but I focused so much on being a cool Christian that I failed to connect well with people. There was an army of people cheering me on to be good and to follow Jesus, then I graduated and left youth group, the army of people subsided, and the world became very real. Here are some of the things I've learned since following Jesus became uncool...

I'm not supposed to convince people to follow Jesus, the Holy Spirit penetrates hearts, I am just meant to connect with people.

I don't need to find a way to bring up Jesus every chance I get, I just need to be caring a friend.

When I hear that someone dies, I shouldn't shrug off someone's pain with an "at least they are with Jesus," line. Instead I should be a shoulder to cry on and a comforting presence.

When someone is angry at God, I need to let them be angry. I should be transparent about my own doubts and frustrations with God and let God work out the details in their hearts.

People suck and that definitely includes me. The more I'm in touch with my own screw-ups, the less I notice the flaws in others.

It is not usually my job to judge, but it is always my job to love.

Constantly trying to figure out how to bring Jesus into the conversation just makes me socially awkward.

I don't have a crazy past, not because I'm just that good, but mostly because I just don't have the guts to do anything too risky. And following Jesus involves risk, so I just need to get over myself and let God take my on adventures.

I do not have to agree with a certain way someone decides to live their life, but I should always support the person.

The army of people that supported me in youth group growing up was a representation of the foundation I need to build on God on my own.

Contrary to what I was told growing up, I didn't just wait patiently and this amazing man of God appeared in my life. I've waited patiently, dated bozos, had my heart broken, met some weirdos, and a few nice guys. And ladies and gentlemen, this is what real dating is like when you don't get married at 18.

People-pleasing is a seemingly selfless way to live, though it is actually a pretty selfish way to live. Sometimes just not giving an f is the best way to go.

Connecting with people does not mean fake smiling and leaving early when there's a bunch of cussing, inappropriate jokes, and drinking going on. It means learning how to have a good time and enjoy people, as they are.

Cussing, drinking, inappropriate jokes etc. just means that people have lived real life and have found ways to cope with it. I mean, shoot, I cuss sometimes and laugh at the occasional inappropriate joke. (And by occasional, I mean, every time...whoops)

Victory over addictions and struggles should not put me in a position higher than others, but rather it puts God in the higher position and me walking alongside others going through similar struggles.

If someone asks about Jesus, I should not be backwards in sharing the nitty gritty of my experiences in following Him. I suck, God does not. That's the general idea of it.

Though I may be silently praying for someone to find Jesus, I should always respect the reasons and conclusions someone has arrived at for not believing.

Standing up for the truth is important, so is loving others. One should never override the other.

Pearls of Wisdom I Gleaned From the Dating World

When I began the journey of dating, I never thought I'd glean from it so many life lessons. Every crazy, pervy, and nice guy I've met has taught me valuable lessons. Here are a few more of  those lessons...

Crazy people actually exist. And they may find you. And they may use 5 plus identities to communicate with you. And when all is revealed, you may have to literally run away from them while on a date. And you may find yourself in the frustrating situation of changing your number because they won't leave you alone. Lesson learned. If someone shows you that they are crazy, believe them and cut them off asap.

When you get stood up, try not to take it personally. And try not to be too surprised when social media reveals to you just TWO WEEKS later that that person has met someone and is now married to them. Just be glad you dodged that moving-way-too-fast-bullet.

If you go on a date with someone who says they don't eat anything sweet and asks what your favorite kind of vegetable is, right after asking you what you think the meaning of life is, you can probably assume that the second date will go just as strangely. If you do go on the second date with them, try to prevent the confusing look from appearing all over your face when they proceed to tell you that they are the kind of person who will never have relationship problems and knows how to avoid them. Kindly let them know that they in fact are probably too perfect for you and that you only date people with realistic expectations.

If someone is telling you sweet and romantic things right from the beginning, raise an eyebrow. They could turn out to be a genuinely sensitive and nice person, but they could also just be trying to get in your pants. Stay attentive and learn how to identify the difference.

Listen to your close friends. They know you well. They are seeing the situation from all sides. They will have your best interest in mind. Also at the same time, you don't need to go to your friends for every little moment that transpires between you and that someone who could be special. Friends' perspectives sometimes complicate things and you over think things enough on your own. So lean on them, cry on their shoulders, but at the end of the day, learn how to pick yourself up off the ground and learn how to follow God's lead without them always having to push you in the right direction.

You must protect your heart and be picky with those you give it to. Better yet, entrust it to God. But you will find that trusting God also means taking risks. You will cry, you will lose sleep, you will feel rejected, and unlikable. Relationships require vulnerability, honesty, and your emotions. Every relationship will end in heartbreak until it's the right one. It's takes courage and security to pick yourself back up and try again. With each heartbreak, you will better learn the balance between protecting your heart and being emotionally available.

"I'm just not ready yet." "I'm really busy and have a lot going on." "I can't do long distance but still want to be friends." " You'll find someone really great." Regardless of how it may be worded, it all means the same thing, you are not the one for them. And that's okay. When someone wants to walk out of your life, let them go. It's okay to be sad about it for a minute, but move on. In the very wise words of Madea,"Half these people you'll be sitting around crying and worrying about, in 2 or 3 years, you're not even going to remember they're last name...Few people come in your life for a lifetime, and many for only a season and you've got to know which is which. And you're always going to mess up when you mix seasonal people up with lifetime expectations."

Don't be afraid to sit out a minute and let your heart rest. Don't ever let dating become your focus. Follow God, seek His Kingdom and when He allows people into your life, trust Him to guide you through the process.

If you find yourself surrounded by married friends with kids who have less time for you, don't become bitter, but rather open yourself up to new friends. Stay in touch with the old ones, but let them be spouses and parents without feeling guilty for leaving you behind. They are doing what they are supposed to be doing. So are you. Seasons change.

If your list of qualities you want in a person is as long as the Psalms, then it's probably what's keeping you from finding the right person. Don't have your eyes so focused on your list that you miss what could be passing by right in front of you.

 Ladies, you're probably not going to find a rugged yet sensitive, straightforward & reliable yet super romantic, completely humble, yet completely confident, has the heart of a pastor, yet makes a lot of money, super hilarious, but also very serious, someone who is extremely patient and calm, yet very passionate at the same time, etc. kind of man. You will find someone normal. We have to stop wishing for our best girl friend and a man in the same person.

And gentlemen, you can't expect that the quiet, submissive pastor's wife with no personality y'all seem to flock to, to have the ability to make you laugh, challenge you and who's also incidentally going to enthusiastically forever get swole with you at crossfit all to help her be the perfect-looking woman of your Proverbs 31 wet dreams in the kitchen.

Time is valuable. Not because it is associated with money, but because it is associated with moments and the people you spend those moments on. In order to date, you will have to waste time. Waste time on people who string you along, aren't ready to commit, aren't emotionally available, people who don't know what they want, etc. These things don't make them bad people, it just makes them not the person for you. Stay patient with the process. This time can be redeemed if you stay positive and and keep an attentive spirit to each lesson learned.

And when the inevitable heartbreak of dating comes your way, there are two types of playlists you must create and listen to. If you are the kind of person who gets angry to cover up feeling hurt, make a playlist that will make you cry. If you are the kind of person who gets hurt and just feels sad (I fall into this category), make yourself an angry heartbreak playlist. Cee Lo Green's "Forget You," and the All American Rejects, "Gives You Hell," are really great songs for this. In either event, the only way to effectively move on is to allow your emotions to run their course.

At the end of the day, you must learn how to be secure, whole, independent, and joyful without the companionship of someone else. Two halves may make a whole, but two whole people make a better relationship. It is necessary to learn the ability of picking yourself up off the ground before you can support someone else. Do all the things you dream of. You don't need someone to stand with beneath the glow of the Eiffel Tower at night to find the romance of life. You don't have to have a partner to move halfway across the country with to make you feel safe. The trees and mountains aren't less breathtaking without a hand to hold.

There is a full, beautiful life to be had regardless of the fact that you have someone to journey with or not. Fall in love with life, actually, fall in love with God, the giver of all life. And one day, if you happen to come across someone to walk through that life with, fully allow them into your world. Be kind, honest, open, sincere, and loving.

Back in the Game

Throughout my seasons of struggle, there have been times when God's sat me out of the game, had me sit in the dugout and rest awhile. These are the times that God was trying to teach me how to rest in Him and how to quiet my soul. There was a lot of purpose in these moments. Recently, I have seen that God will sometimes put us back in the game, much earlier than we expected. I'm still weary. It's as if God says, "Perfect, now you'll rely on my strength. Still doubting? That's great, I'll help you grow your faith through helping others. Still fearful? Sounds like a great opportunity for you to learn how to be brave." And I, in a confused state, stumble, listlessly back onto the field. My struggles do not take away the opportunities for God to use me. My doubts do not forfeit my faith. And my fears do not overshadow the power God wants to display in my life. Toil is inevitable, but defeat is not written into the ending. Though I am broken, it is the enemy of my soul that will ultimately be crushed. So I step onto the field, eyes squinting through the sun's brightness, my body is tired, my soul may be a bit on the broken side, but if God has put me back in the game, then I must play on.

What I Have Learned from Online Dating Thus Far

Well, all of my friends have been asking for it. So I'm finally doing it. Here's my blog about my online dating experience...

What I Have Learned From Online Dating Thus Far

Avoid profiles with pictures involving the absence of shirts or really any article of clothing, fingers giving the bird, and "swole time," at the gym.

With the fancy-ness of spell check and brain cells, there's no excuse for any of the online bozos to consistently misspell words. Sporadic occurrence, I get. On a regular basis, I'm out. And no, I don't accept "marijuana in my youth," as a justifiable excuse either.

If he ever leads with, "Hey sexy, hmu." Hitting him up should be the last thing you do.

Anything and everything you say, to the right pervie, can be taken as an innuendo. I've found no words to be a good solution to this problem.

When asked to send photos of yourself and your selfie isn't good enough and they want a "body pic," sending a picture of your elbow is not entertaining to them as it is you. And you're funny, so move on with your life, you don't need that kind of lack of funny, negativity in your life.

When you meet your date in person and he spends 30 minutes in the bathroom doing only the Lord knows what, can't stop talking about all the knowledge he knows, and is "too tired," to walk to the other side of his car to open your door, hit the eject button as soon as you can.

If your online date tells you that he works for the CIA and needs your social security number so that the government can run a background check on you, and you compare him to that one CIA spy guy you saw in that one movie and how he needs only the first letter of your first name to run a background check, then supposed CIA online dater blocks you immediately, you don't need to be sad. He may not have been in the CIA after all.

If it's 10 pm and you're still online, you really should be wrapping up conversations and not responding to new messages. Guys starting a conversation past 10 pm only want one thing...

When you talk to a nice guy for a few days and every thing seems to be going right, then he accidentally sends you a very steamy paragraph that is clearly intended for one of the other ladies he's talking to, and even after awkwardly admitting it was meant for another girl, he asks if you want to join him for a little hot tub time after she leaves, you can come to the conclusion that he is probably not the one for you.

Once a guy discovers you are saving sex till marriage, he will either run very fast in the other direction or ask you a million question to try and help himself understand how you could possibly wait.

If a guy says he's good with waiting to have sex till you get married, there's a good chance he means it.

If a guy says he's good with waiting to have sex till you get married, there's a good chance he's lying.

Don't get your Christianese panties in too much of knot when a guy finds you attractive. This is normal and fine.

Sometimes a guy is busy with life and stuff and doesn't have time to talk to you for a few days and in reality he really just lacks the balls to let you know that he's not interested anymore.

Sometimes a guy is busy with life and stuff and doesn't have time to talk to you for a few days and he's being totally legit. Having a job and responsibilities can mean this. And you want a man with a job and responsibilities.

When a guy gives you a pet name right from the get-go like, "baby," "cutie," etc, it's not cute. It's probably because he can't remember your actual name.

When a guy wants a Proverbs 31 woman, who's sweet, fit, and will join him in his "shrug life," at the gym, he's not the kind of boring and predictable you want in your life.

Just because he says he loves Jesus doesn't mean he's not sometimes on cloud 9 with Rebecca St. James.

If you've been texting a guy for 2 weeks and you think you're in love. You're not. He's just really good at copying and pasting.

There's two kind of guys online. Christian guys who have loved Jesus since they were fetuses and have too much Jesus in their hearts. And non-Christian guys who have too much going on with their you know what's.

Good Christian guys want a quiet, submissive pastor's wife with no personality. Non-Christian guys think you're hilarious, but you shouldn't date them either.

When a guy doesn't make the effort with you, he's making it with someone else.

If a guy tells you he's not interested, he may not always mean it. If a guy shows you he's not interested, he always means it.

Online dating forces one to be the player that they never thought they would become.

Guarding your heart is of utmost importance.

When you're overtly guarded, you finally receive your first kiss and that guy breaks your heart, and it hurts, it's an indication that God is still keeping your heart alive. Take this as a good sign and let yourself cry.

Never settle and never waiver on your beliefs and deal breakers.

In the savage world of online dating, you have to guide a guy in how to properly respect you. They will honor you as much as you teach them to.

When you meet a guy whom you like, respect, and enjoy talking to, keep him around. That's potential.

Love is truly patient and kind. So be patient and kind and expect patient and kind in return.

Being in a relationship with a guy means that you should probably be praying more than you used to.

There's going to come a point in your interactions with a guy when you slowly start to give a part of your heart away, don't resist this process. Any good relationship requires vulnerability and some skin in the game. God has the ability to bring all the pieces back together if he's not the one.

There are a multitude of pervies, tools, and liars in the online dating world, but you have to stumble past them to get find the few good ones. And the good ones are indeed out there.

Never allows your negative experiences to root bitterness in your heart. Learn from your experiences with the losers. Allow them to grow in you wisdom and unashamed beauty.

Never feel ashamed or stupid to put yourself out there. Your heart doesn't really belong any man anyway. It's in much better hands.

Mountains & Valleys

It's been a rough season this past month or so. I can't tell you how many times the expression, "When it rains, it pours," has come to mind and has felt very real to me. I've been hearing a lot of accolades from well-meaning people. One in particular has been on mind quite a bit. "God never gives you more than you can handle." It doesn't seem right. It sounds nice on a sunny day when you're standing on the mountaintop, but when it's flooding and you're constantly falling into the mud and muck in the valley, these words just don't seem very real. In fact, they seem like a big lie. How can God expect you to handle things when your knees have buckled under, you back has finally given out, and you've fallen over backwards? How could the weakness uncovered by my present circumstances be a nod to some mysterious amount strength found inside of me? 

I think I struggle with this expression the most not because God allows hard circumstances that seem unbearable, but rather because I don't do well when I don't do well. I don't want to just make it, I want to excel. But God allows things in my life that only with His help, I can handle, and even then I may not handle them well. In fact, I don't think I'm meant to. I think that there's a lot of good in being broken, weak, and unable to move forward without help. I think that it is necessary in being human and especially necessary in being a human relating to God. The challenges we face, the burdens we bear, and the trials we endure all achieve for us a greater reliance on a Savior. If our knees had never buckled under and the floods had never come, then we would have never known the reaching embrace of our Father God's very loving arms. 

God has given me more than I can handle alone. And some days, it's hard, because some days I carry that burden alone on purpose, doubting His goodness. But God has not ever given me more than I can handle without His help. And on the days I don't go it alone and I welcome the help of my Heavenly Father, He excels, and I make it. 

To Michael

When asking a writer what they think, you should expect that it will not be articulated with much brevity, especially one who's heart was involved. You really shouldn't expect anything less than a novel. So here's your novel...

What do I think? Even though there are many eloquent words that make up the English language, only one phrase comes to mind, "This sucks." What sucks is that the high hopes I had for this relationship are dashed. What sucks is that despite being uncertain of your divorce timeline I was willing to be patient and take things slow with you. What sucks is that although being vulnerable is a big step for me, I chose to say, "I miss you," meanwhile you were purposely distancing yourself further from me. What sucks is how much I'm gonna have to teach myself to not think of you anymore. What sucks is how angry my friends are over this, and I can't even allow myself the convenience and relief of that emotion. What sucks is how many more times I'm gonna have to re-hash this experience, knowing full well that my friends are going to want all the details. What sucks is that I can normally, sleep through the night with ease, and last night I couldn't. What sucks is that I still feel your kiss, and probably will for a bit longer. What sucks is how hard it's gonna be for me to resist the strong temptation to message you in the next coming weeks. What sucks is that I turned down some nice guys because of you. What sucks is that you either didn't realize or couldn't communicate sooner that you aren't ready, and I would be hurting a lot less right now. What sucks are the days I went into work happily tired from our lengthy late night phone conversations. What sucks is that despite all my best effort to guard my heart, I let down some walls for you.

And what also sucks is how much all of this doesn't actually suck. What doesn't suck is that you helped me let down my barriers and how much easier it's gonna be for the next guy. What doesn't suck is that I learned a lot from our late night conversations. What doesn't suck is that the hurt I'm feeling in my heart right now is such a victory over the enemy's effort in my past to make my heart numb. What doesn't suck is that I finally got to experience my first kiss and hand holding session and it was really good. What doesn't suck is the love and care I'm feeling from the army of friends rallying around me right now. What doesn't suck is that my sleepless nights are going to bring me to a much deeper level of intimacy with my Heavenly Father. What doesn't suck is that I have disallowed anger and bitterness to creep into my heart, and I'm allowing myself to feel hurt. What doesn't suck is that for the first time in a long time, I've allowed myself to cry in front of people. What doesn't suck is that I released myself to vulnerability, and it didn't crush the God-given peace I have welling inside of me. What doesn't suck is how much more of a passionate singer and worshiper this experience is going to make me. What doesn't suck are the high hopes I have in God to heal my wounded heart.  What doesn't suck is you, you don't suck. I don't hate you and I never will.