That Single Life

Being single for almost 27 years of my life (yes, you're right that'd be all my life), I've had a lot of time to think and reflect on why I've retained this status for so long. I have many different theories, but for the sake of time, I'll only talk about a few.

In highschool I heard this phrase many times, "You love Jesus a lot and that's great, but I just don't think I'm good enough for you." In my early 20's I heard, you're really funny and I can't quite keep up with you." And now the phrase I hear the most is, "You're one of those independent women and that's too intimidating to me." So what I've concluded is that loving Jesus, being funny, and independent gets you no action (and by action I mean holding hands for those of you that are judging the fact that I just alluded to sex).

I've met guys who's heart for the Lord is so precious and inspiring but the second I make a joke a little too much on the racy side, they get that look on their face that says, "Christian girls shouldn't joke about such things."Even though I don't drink, they get awkward around my friends and family that do, and they don't know what to think of the fact that I spend time with people who "have a past" or are currently still in the "past" stage of their life. In fact, the time they do spend with them, they are secretly praying for them in their minds. They are looking for the quiet, submissive pastor's wife with no personality type of girl. (Disclaimer: not all pastor's wife are like this) I may love Jesus, but there's no way I embody all of these things so they lose interest in me fast.

Then there's the guys that impress me because they are just as funny as me. They can keep up with my teasing and don't feel the need to take a bath in Holy Water after listening to a racy joke. These guys are a hoot to be around. They make me laugh, but the problem with them is that they don't seem to love Jesus enough. They're cool with church and people that go to church, but "they don't feel like they need to go to church to experience church." They have their own faith that they don't think is anyone else's business and completely dispel any ideas of the community that God calls us to as believers. These guys want the girls who are cool with the fact that they are still at home on their mother's couch, working part time, and playing video games the rest of the time. And that's not me so these guys don't end up fancying me either.

And then there's the guys who haven't liked me because I'm too independent. They see my solace, security, and healing I find in the Lord as a threat to their manhood. They wonder why I have interests that don't always include them, and they are surprised to find that I have been taking out my own trash for years. Whereas I'm a person with many insecurities and am still a work in progress, I'm still not enough of a "project girl," for them so they follow their need to be needed to greener pastures elsewhere.

Now don't misinterpret what I'm saying. These things aren't true about all guys. There are great guys who appreciate a sense of humor, an independent spirit, and a heart for Jesus, but I just haven't found the one for me yet. And yes perhaps I should watch my teasing and put a stop to my jokes that go "too far." And maybe I should look into the fact that a relationship requires more vulnerability than I'm willing to reveal and that it's okay to need someone to carry something heavy for me from time to time. But at the end of the day, a girl just wants someone who will be okay with who she is. Now before you all start saying things like, "Talia, you've got to be the right one to find the right one," or Talia, you just need to be happy being single," I want to say that most of the time I am content with my singleness and I am always completely aware of the fact that I am no where near a finished product. These are just thoughts that I struggle with from time to time and felt the need to share. Plus the only way to truly entertain the masses is to sacrifice yourself on the altar of embarrassment and get a little honest sometimes.

Gospel Love

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; 'by his wounds you have been healed.'" (1 Peter 2:24)

God's been impressing upon my heart tonight the power of the Gospel, the significance of His sacrifice, what it means for my own healing, as well as for the healing of my relationships with others. God's love demonstrated on the cross for me is so big to cover my sins, as well as the sins of others who have hurt me. In Christ, I am not longer a victim, I am victorious. As a daughter of God, I have the opportunity as well as responsibility to live under His grace and that means for myself and in my relationships with others. I am to honor people not for who they are, but for their potential. I am to love people not because they love me well, but because my Heavenly Father loves me perfectly. I am to value people in light of God's heart for them. I was wounded, rejected, and hurt. The people that inflicted those wounds were also at one point wounded, rejected, and hurt. I am to seek reconciliation despite the pain. This is hard for me to swallow. This is hard for me to take in, but it's what I am called to do. Lord, give me a heart for the people who have hurt me.