God's gentleness

I hate crying and even worse I hate crying in front of others. The tears have been unavoidable lately. I have come to a place of brokenness. The ways that life has unfolded has brought me to such bleak realizations of, for lack of a better word, what's wrong with me. So many fears have crept up, so much insecurity has settled in, and a multitude of doubts in God and His heart toward me have finally all come to a head. I've had this stand off with the Lord for a while now. I've been so tired emotionally, physically, and mentally that I have not taken the time to properly delve through the layers of cynicism, unbelief, and rebellion that I have allowed to come between the Lord and I. It's interesting all the energy I've spent in helping to fix others and yet I've been barely holding on myself. There's justification in knowing that you're helping others instead of focusing on yourself. The reality of this is, eventually the time spent away from God's embrace always catches up to you and you realize the mess you have become.

I can't tell you how much gentleness and grace God has directed towards me and my heart during this messy time. He has brought me to one of the most beautiful places my eyes have ever beheld. He knows that there's something about Paris that forces me to get in touch with my heart and that inevitably leads me back to Him. It could be the beauty of the gardens or the delicate details of the architecture, but Paris has a way of quieting my mind and guiding me back to the sweetness of my Heavenly Father. Without disposing of too many details, many times in this past year, someone has literally ran away from me. As frustrating as this is, I've realized that in the midst of being ran away from, I myself have metaphorically run away from the Lord many times as well. And just as I, not very gracefully, followed after this person in an effort to keep them safe, I know that God has been pursuing me as well. In the midst of my inconsistencies, God has remained ever by my side, waiting for me to realize that He has no intention of leaving. 

God hasn't made me feel bad for the distance I've put between Him and I. He hasn't made me feel like a horrible human being for my adultery. He has, ever gracefully, made it known to me the depth and width of His love. He's reminded me just how gentle His hand of grace is. So I find myself crying now, again for the millionth time this month. But this time not out of brokenness, I find myself crying out of gratitude and love for a God that has not once given up on me once. The point is not my rebellious heart, the point is, God's love. My rebellion has had me searching for the love I have been pushing away for far too long. This is the journey I have been on and will be on for some time, so this is not the last you'll hear from me on this. Thanks for reading.