"When I felt secure, I said, 'I will never be shaken.' O Lord when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed." (Psalm 30:6-7)
I'm not completely sure of the circumstances surrounding these words from David, but I can relate to the emotions they convey. There was a time that I, like David, felt very secure in life. I made good choices, I said encouraging things, people praised me for my "wisdom beyond my years," and I put actions to my faith by serving in more than one ministry not only at church, but also in the "real world," which made me extra Jesusy. There is no issue in what I was was doing, but rather the issue was that I was finding my identity in being a person that loves God so much that I forgot to actually love God.
Finally the Lord allowed tiring circumstances in my life to rid me of the people-pleasing foundation I had built so much of my identity on. I became unable to speak encouraging words and do all the other good things people had been so accustomed to seeing me do. I was broken, and still am, and I think probably will always be until I see God face to face. It's a brokenness that finally allows me to relax and let go of expectations. It's a brokenness that gives the ability to release the immense pressure I feel to be perfect. It's a brokenness that permits me to doubt God and His goodness. It allows me to indulge in sincerity. It pushes back my fear of disappointing people. And it gives me grace for myself when I'm feeling a little rough around the edges. My recent surrender to brokenness is bringing me to a much more genuine wonder of God and His love for me.
Just like David, I buckled under when circumstances changed and I no longer felt secure. I felt the loneliness of God's hidden face. And it's the best thing that could have ever happened to my relationship with God.
