Sissy-Pants Faith

Paul's life:

5 times received 40 lashes, 3 times beaten, once stoned, 3 times shipwrecked, spent a night and day in the open sea, constantly on the move, in danger from rivers, bandits, his own countrymen, Gentiles, in danger in the city and in the country, in danger at sea, and in danger from false brothers. Labored, toiled, went without sleep, knew hunger and thirst and often went without food, had been cold and naked...

My life:

Has gone without air conditioning, has had to make do with just plain ice cream when the hot fudge ran out, has had only 1 pillow to sleep on when the other was in the washing machine, has had to buy discount clothes from Ross because I'm on a budget, has had to get a water cup instead of soda, has to watch movies on my lap top because I don't have tv, has to read a book when my lap top is broken, which means I've had to go a week or two without knowing what happened on the last episode, has had people disagree with my opinion, has had to to move, has been exposed to people who don't shave or wear deodorant at boatnik, has had to read my regular Bible because I accidentally left my study Bible at church...

Needless to say, my life is clearly much more difficult than Paul's ever was. I sacrifice so much for the sake of the Gospel, I mean I even give 10% of my money to the church and at least once a week, I pray for others. And I'm sure you all agree with me wholeheartedly. But seriously, turning the sarcasm off, how much have I traded in sharing the Gospel for the sake of entertainment, comfort pleasure, and self ambition? So many times. My life is cluttered with selfishness. And it's a shame because God is real, the Gospel is Truth, and my life, other than how I spend my Sundays, doesn't seem to reflect that. Lord, change my daily activities, re-adjust my perspective in light of eternity, and take away the things that don't last.

Sometimes faith just sucks

Had a great conversation last night about faith. And I came to the conclusion that faith sometimes just sucks. Now before you all start praying for me to come back to Jesus, let me finish...Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Faith is trusting God's way when emotions want to take us another way. When I'm sitting on a beach, basking in the sun's rays, drinking a shirley temple, I would say that God is good. Clearly it wouldn't take much imagination to conclude that it's completely parallel my circumstance. But turn the tables on me, take away my beach chair, add a little rain and clouds, and most likely I wouldn't be preaching the goodness of God. In life, there are many difficult circumstances. Regret, rejection, deception, death of loved a one, sickness, depression, abuse, heartache, neglect, hurt feelings...and the list could go on. And with all these difficult circumstances comes the propensity to discredit God's goodness and blame Him for all the bad. And though we read that God works everything together for the good our trials seem to suggest the opposite. Which brings me to my point. I think it's okay to say that faith sometimes just sucks. It's okay to admit that though we know in our heads that God is love, we don't always feel in our hearts. Does that mean that I back out of this whole faith thing? No. It means that I take it as an opportunity to come to a new level of genuine communion with a God Who is thick skinned enough to hear my doubts, personal enough to let me rant, and yes, loving enough to hold me even when I am barely holding onto Him. So faith, yes, is tough, and it doesn't make sense all the time. And sometimes I may want to turn back. But then I recall that faith can move mountains, not just because I read it somewhere in a book, but because I have hiked the trail of that mountain, I've smelled the trees after the storm, and I've found victory in scaling it. I remember the days when God reached down and moved the mountain of my heart and forever changed my perspective. And the effect of that experience cannot be blotted out by a measly trial, it will not be forgotten despite my many doubts, and it will not be cast aside as memory in the past. God is good all the time, and despite what circumstance might suggest, all the time God is good.

We should feel more

I have a friend that's going through a hard time, who's been hit on every side. Tonight it made my heart hurt hearing about everything they're going through. And it made me think. There's a lot of bad stuff going on in the world. There's people I love experiencing pain, hardship, loneliness. Syria is a mess. Today we remembered the tragedy of 9/11. There's people starving, dying of cancer, and homeless. There are hurting children, victims of their circumstances. There have been storms that have swept people and homes away. So much sadness! And immediately my human tendency is to push away the negativity and try to think more positive thoughts. And even a lot of you are probably already thinking that this post is too much of a "debbie downer" and might discontinue reading because of it. But I don't think that sadness is something to be avoided. Sadness is part of life. And feeling other peoples sadness is part living that life. Trying to be more positive is a good idea, but not when it's a method of deflecting. Trying to make someone smile or laugh is a nice distraction, but distracting from reality is not always necessary. Sometimes life is just bleak, the light at the end of the tunnel is no where in sight, and the silver lining is not making an appearance anytime soon. And it's in these moments that I need to surrender to the tears threatening to ensue, let go of the jokes that divert my attention away from reality, and just let myself be sad. And allow myself to feel the sadness of others. Now in this process I cannot forget that, though hope seems lost, hope is not gone. That though faith seems forgotten, it can still move mountains. And that, though God may seem far away, He's right by my side. I cannot fix people, but I can to my best to look after orphans and widows in their distress. I can't fix everything, but I can pray without ceasing to a God that holds the world in the palm of His hand. Tears spent on the behalf of others are precious, tough they should not be rare. Now I'm not suggesting that we spend our whole lives wallowing in sadness. But I am suggesting that maybe we should feel a little bit more and hold back tears a little bit less. That maybe Harriet Beecher Stowe was right when she said,

"But, what can any individual do? Of that, every individual can judge. There is one thing that every individual can do,—they can see to it that they feel right. An atmosphere of sympathetic influence encircles every human being; and the man or woman who feels strongly, healthily and justly, on the great interests of humanity, is a constant benefactor to the human race."

Sarcasm vs. Romance...The Battles That Rages Within Me

Had one of those Sundays this last week when I was far too cynical and sarcastic for church. And my best friend sitting next to me patiently listened to and smiled at all of my colorful remarks. I blame it on whoever's speaking, the music that's playing, or the video that made me roll my eyes. But whatever the case, I usually do a good job of placing the blame on anyone or anything but my pessimistic state. I felt like that cranky old lady who sits in the same spot every week, uses the same pen to take notes, expecting to hear the same old cliches being spoken from the pulpit, and throwing eye daggers at people as they try to greet me during the "everybody greet your neighbor time." And as much as my friend got a good laugh from watching all of my snarky facial expressions, I was saddened. I was saddened because I know full well that there was a time that this was not my walk with the Lord. I used to be the weird one who stands up when no one else is, who's eager to meet new comers, who enthusiastically nods when the pastor says something revolutionary, or who always has something to say that the Lord's been teaching them. I began to think, "Maybe I don't love the Lord as much as I used to or maybe I don't need Him as much as I used to. Now before you all start praying for me to come back to the Lord, let me further explain my point.

I realized that it's not that I love the Lord any less or need Him any less. I don't just wake up and decide to be negative. It's a process. It's the little moments when I allow the voice of bitterness to drown out the sweetness of God's still small voice. When I choose to stare at the computer in lieu of taking in the sunset just behind the window curtain. When I work on date entry instead of taking a break to listen to the kids' latest knock knock jokes. When I restrain myself from singing at the top of  my lungs in the car because of the disapproving looks I might receive from the passersby. When I choose sarcasm because I'm too nervous to hold a genuine conversation. When I deflect the good feelings that come with receiving compliments and change the subject. When I choose to do it myself as a way of declaring my independence in place of accepting the offer of help from others. When I allow the pain that comes with hearing hurtful comments turn into bitterness. When I fail to line up the lies I hear with God's truth. And the list could go on.

Bottom line is, I need romance to come back into my life. I don't mean the kind that involves a man and a woman. I mean the kind that gives you the ability to appreciate the beauty and excitement that every moment has the capacity to hold. The kind of romance that can only be discovered in living out a story that is bigger than your own. The kind that challenges you to look beyond the routine of daily living to discover a purpose greater than any you could think of by yourself. It's the kind of romance that brings me back to the place I began, in the loving arms of my Heavenly Father. It's where I belong, it's where I've always belonged. It's not about finding God at church, it's about finding God in every moment and being the church. Church is a good place to find fellowship, encouragement, and refreshment, but it's not the ultimate answer. God is. And when I am resting in His arms, even when I'm at church, there just isn't any room for cynicism.