I am not

It's been one of those broken kind of weeks. When circumstance, people, and even your own self seems to beat you down. And the day I was feeling the most beat down, God didn't comfort me or encourage me. And I began for the first time to doubt God's love and the hope I have in Him for the first time in my life. And in this moment of doubt, God did something I didn't expect. He led me to go to Medford and visit a family member who's been in the hospital for the past week. Considering their physical condition, they weren't very positive. They spoke of fear, depression, and a lifetime of regret. And during this conversation, I was reminded of the hope I have in Christ. And though this person had experienced heartache that I've never known, been in depths I never knew existed, and has felt pain I can't grasp the vastness of, I have experienced joy they've never known, peace they never knew existed, and love that no one can grasp the vastness of. And all the doubt that had filled my heart that day evaporated in the joy of sharing this hope. In sharing the hope Christ offers, I was reassured of God's faithfulness throughout the many miles I've walked with Him in my own life. God used the very last light I had left within me to shine into the darkness of that hospital room. He used my weakest moment to reveal His strength to someone Who's own strength is waning. And what I walked away with? I am broken. God is the Healer. I am weak. God is strong. I doubt, God is consistently faithful. I am prone to wander, God's love never gives up on me.

Love Fails Miserably

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Living in the world we live in, it's hard to believe in the validity of these words. Based on what life has taught me, love is something you can fall in and out of. Love loves those who reciprocates its feelings. Love sweeps over patience and commitment for a night that later causes little ones to live in two different houses. Love gives up on people whom it can't trust. Love fails to keep hope alive as it allows bitterness and cynicism to creep in. Love can be bought on the corner down the street. Love only remembers its wounds and fails to let go of the past. Love seeks ones own happiness and success without regard to the family it breaks a part. Love rejoices when it's enemy is down. Love protects ones self and uses sarcasm and humor to deflect others' attention from what's really going on inside their heart. Love fails miserably.

I have failed miserably at love, I've watched others do the same, and I've worked with some of the little ones who have been recipients of failed love. But as if to clear up the confusion 1 Corinthians says,

"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting though a fog, peering through a mist. Bit it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly just as He knows us." (1 Corinthians 13:12, the Message)

One day, true love will not be clouded by our vision of this world. One day we will see it's depths, know it's heights, and span its distance. Because one day, we will see face to face it's Author.