God's gentleness

I hate crying and even worse I hate crying in front of others. The tears have been unavoidable lately. I have come to a place of brokenness. The ways that life has unfolded has brought me to such bleak realizations of, for lack of a better word, what's wrong with me. So many fears have crept up, so much insecurity has settled in, and a multitude of doubts in God and His heart toward me have finally all come to a head. I've had this stand off with the Lord for a while now. I've been so tired emotionally, physically, and mentally that I have not taken the time to properly delve through the layers of cynicism, unbelief, and rebellion that I have allowed to come between the Lord and I. It's interesting all the energy I've spent in helping to fix others and yet I've been barely holding on myself. There's justification in knowing that you're helping others instead of focusing on yourself. The reality of this is, eventually the time spent away from God's embrace always catches up to you and you realize the mess you have become.

I can't tell you how much gentleness and grace God has directed towards me and my heart during this messy time. He has brought me to one of the most beautiful places my eyes have ever beheld. He knows that there's something about Paris that forces me to get in touch with my heart and that inevitably leads me back to Him. It could be the beauty of the gardens or the delicate details of the architecture, but Paris has a way of quieting my mind and guiding me back to the sweetness of my Heavenly Father. Without disposing of too many details, many times in this past year, someone has literally ran away from me. As frustrating as this is, I've realized that in the midst of being ran away from, I myself have metaphorically run away from the Lord many times as well. And just as I, not very gracefully, followed after this person in an effort to keep them safe, I know that God has been pursuing me as well. In the midst of my inconsistencies, God has remained ever by my side, waiting for me to realize that He has no intention of leaving. 

God hasn't made me feel bad for the distance I've put between Him and I. He hasn't made me feel like a horrible human being for my adultery. He has, ever gracefully, made it known to me the depth and width of His love. He's reminded me just how gentle His hand of grace is. So I find myself crying now, again for the millionth time this month. But this time not out of brokenness, I find myself crying out of gratitude and love for a God that has not once given up on me once. The point is not my rebellious heart, the point is, God's love. My rebellion has had me searching for the love I have been pushing away for far too long. This is the journey I have been on and will be on for some time, so this is not the last you'll hear from me on this. Thanks for reading. 

What I've learned living with troubled teens for 13 or so months.

Ratchet is more than just a commonly used tool. 

If you have a guy you like more than other guys, he undergoes an automatic name change to "bae," even if there was nothing wrong with his original name. 

Unless your hair is blonde, you must shave your arms as well as other areas too embarrassing to mention. 

There are numerous terms like "pitch and catcher," that have alternate meanings a lot less innocent than their primary definition. 

Not only can you turn around, but you can also get turnt up. 

Unexpected things can be turned into a pipe, even an apple, to be used to smoke other unexpected things like oregano. 

Being called a "fucking bitch," is less of an insult and more of a term of endearment. 

When teens volunteer to do nice things like take out the trash after dark, most likely their significant other is also "taking out the trash," at the same time, at different trash cans, yet somehow their lips seem to magically find each other's. 

Sometimes when they say they're gonna punch you in the face or run away, they actually have no intention of ever seeing it through. 

Sometimes when they say they're gonna punch you in the face or run away, they have every intention of seeing it through. 

It doesn't matter if you haven't changed into a sports bra and tennis shoes, sometimes you're going on a run whether you like it or not. 

Moments in the bathroom or running errands are peaceful all up until the moment you hear your name being called because someone lost their fancy ass shampoo. 

You no longer blush at the sound of profanity, and you've acquired quite the sailor's mouth yourself. 

Testing the boundaries and breaking the rules aren't signs of rebellion but rather an indication that one possesses the courage to create their own stories and define their own dreams. 

There are adventures that many will never embark on because they were too afraid to question what they knew as a teenager, nor follow their hearts call to an epic journey. 

Sometimes the most beautiful moments in life happen after the biggest storms. 

If the behavior is bigger than the circumstance, the issue is not the circumstance. 

The ones that exercise all their energy in pushing others away are the ones that need others the most. 

When someone messes up, we should move towards them in grace rather than walk away from them in frustration. 

There is always hope that someone can change, even if you're not around to see the change take place. 

Even the greatest parents screw their kids up unintentionally and we are all on a path, healing from our childhood wounds. 

The ones that are brave enough to question God's existence are the ones that are brave enough to passionately follow Him into the unknown. 

Those who have the toughest exterior usually have the softest interior. 

There is no place too far that God's grace can't reach, no sin too great that God's sacrifice didn't already cover, and no heart too broken that God can't mend. 

No matter how many times nor for however many years we chase after worldly success others, God will always love us and never stop pursuing us. 

My ability to unconditionally love others suffers when I struggle to accept God's unconditional love for myself. 

 

Struggles of the large-chested.

When trying to play a casual game of cards and its your turn to draw and you have to stand up because the Great Barrier Reef gets between you and the table. 

When you live in constant fear of the airbag while driving. 

When you're the only one on the beach who has to change out of your swim suit and put on regular clothes which includes a supportive bra to play volleyball. 

When playing beach volleyball and the ball lands on your chest and comfortably rests there until the awkward moment when you hit it off. 

When you automatically disregard anything without straps while shopping. 

When you drop food down your cleavage at a restaurant and you just leave it there until you have a private moment to dig it out. 

When everyone else is laying on their stomachs to watch a movie and you hang out on the couch because there ain't no way you're putting the girls through that kind of pain, plus the back support the couch provides is an added bonus. 

When you wear a regular tank top for an undershirt cause they only make undershirts for people who wear dainty and thin strap bras. 

When even turtle necks looks a little racy on you. 

When you don't embrace new fashion trends like bandos because you know it would take 10 of those to provide the support you need and it only looks cute if you wear 1. 

When you make the decision to open your self up to the embarrassing dangers of nipping because you'd rather do that than wear anything padded that might make your boobs look bigger.

When you have to plan your day around alternating between regular bras and sports bras depending on how active you will be. 

When you hear a million times from other women, "don't worry, men like women with big boobs," and yet all the flat-chested women who like to run all have a man. 

When you watch action movies with women in them and can't wrap your mind around how much they can maneuver and jump over fences in just a small black tank top and thin strapped bra. 

When you have nightmares about forgetting to put a bra before you go to work. 

When you live in actual fear that one day your straps will weaken from the strain of your chest and your bra falls off. 

When you instinctively put your arms around your chest any time you're in air conditioning. 

When you can't find whatever you lost and someone else finds for you because it's laying on your chest. 

When you bend down to shave your legs in the shower and your boobs get in the way. 

When you feel like you're seducing every person you hug. 

That Single Life

Being single for almost 27 years of my life (yes, you're right that'd be all my life), I've had a lot of time to think and reflect on why I've retained this status for so long. I have many different theories, but for the sake of time, I'll only talk about a few.

In highschool I heard this phrase many times, "You love Jesus a lot and that's great, but I just don't think I'm good enough for you." In my early 20's I heard, you're really funny and I can't quite keep up with you." And now the phrase I hear the most is, "You're one of those independent women and that's too intimidating to me." So what I've concluded is that loving Jesus, being funny, and independent gets you no action (and by action I mean holding hands for those of you that are judging the fact that I just alluded to sex).

I've met guys who's heart for the Lord is so precious and inspiring but the second I make a joke a little too much on the racy side, they get that look on their face that says, "Christian girls shouldn't joke about such things."Even though I don't drink, they get awkward around my friends and family that do, and they don't know what to think of the fact that I spend time with people who "have a past" or are currently still in the "past" stage of their life. In fact, the time they do spend with them, they are secretly praying for them in their minds. They are looking for the quiet, submissive pastor's wife with no personality type of girl. (Disclaimer: not all pastor's wife are like this) I may love Jesus, but there's no way I embody all of these things so they lose interest in me fast.

Then there's the guys that impress me because they are just as funny as me. They can keep up with my teasing and don't feel the need to take a bath in Holy Water after listening to a racy joke. These guys are a hoot to be around. They make me laugh, but the problem with them is that they don't seem to love Jesus enough. They're cool with church and people that go to church, but "they don't feel like they need to go to church to experience church." They have their own faith that they don't think is anyone else's business and completely dispel any ideas of the community that God calls us to as believers. These guys want the girls who are cool with the fact that they are still at home on their mother's couch, working part time, and playing video games the rest of the time. And that's not me so these guys don't end up fancying me either.

And then there's the guys who haven't liked me because I'm too independent. They see my solace, security, and healing I find in the Lord as a threat to their manhood. They wonder why I have interests that don't always include them, and they are surprised to find that I have been taking out my own trash for years. Whereas I'm a person with many insecurities and am still a work in progress, I'm still not enough of a "project girl," for them so they follow their need to be needed to greener pastures elsewhere.

Now don't misinterpret what I'm saying. These things aren't true about all guys. There are great guys who appreciate a sense of humor, an independent spirit, and a heart for Jesus, but I just haven't found the one for me yet. And yes perhaps I should watch my teasing and put a stop to my jokes that go "too far." And maybe I should look into the fact that a relationship requires more vulnerability than I'm willing to reveal and that it's okay to need someone to carry something heavy for me from time to time. But at the end of the day, a girl just wants someone who will be okay with who she is. Now before you all start saying things like, "Talia, you've got to be the right one to find the right one," or Talia, you just need to be happy being single," I want to say that most of the time I am content with my singleness and I am always completely aware of the fact that I am no where near a finished product. These are just thoughts that I struggle with from time to time and felt the need to share. Plus the only way to truly entertain the masses is to sacrifice yourself on the altar of embarrassment and get a little honest sometimes.

Gospel Love

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; 'by his wounds you have been healed.'" (1 Peter 2:24)

God's been impressing upon my heart tonight the power of the Gospel, the significance of His sacrifice, what it means for my own healing, as well as for the healing of my relationships with others. God's love demonstrated on the cross for me is so big to cover my sins, as well as the sins of others who have hurt me. In Christ, I am not longer a victim, I am victorious. As a daughter of God, I have the opportunity as well as responsibility to live under His grace and that means for myself and in my relationships with others. I am to honor people not for who they are, but for their potential. I am to love people not because they love me well, but because my Heavenly Father loves me perfectly. I am to value people in light of God's heart for them. I was wounded, rejected, and hurt. The people that inflicted those wounds were also at one point wounded, rejected, and hurt. I am to seek reconciliation despite the pain. This is hard for me to swallow. This is hard for me to take in, but it's what I am called to do. Lord, give me a heart for the people who have hurt me.

Storms

I love storms! I love how storms can bring people together. I've seen storms turn enemies into friends, give companions to the lonely, lighten the heart of people too serious for their own good and help wanderers find security. There's something special about taking a break from reality and only having others, revealing conversations, and spontaneous activities to pass the time with. I remember the electricity going out and playing board games by candle light, huddling together in a storm closet talking about our deepest fears, the comfort of someone sitting close to me while taking refuge underneath a tall rock till the rain passes, the laughs I couldn't hold in when my otherwise conservative neighbor jumped and screamed at the sound of thunder, sharing a moment with a stranger because neither one of us could take our eyes off of the rainbow forming above the Eiffel Tower. I'm thankful for storms and their ability to make you stop and smells the roses, take inventory of the things the matters, and the people that matter. I've seen the Lord use storms to bring people closer together, and I've seen Him use trials to draw them near to Himself. Some of my greatest hurts have revealed the healing found in God's hands, my biggest screw-ups have given me more insight into God's never-ending grace, and the moments I've felt rejected I've been able to dive deeper into the depths of God's unconditional love. I'll always be grateful for storms and the way they change me, how they bring me closer to people, point me towards my Heavenly Father. 

Love Thy Neighbor

"Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:39)

"Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." (1 John 4:11)

Having a job relating to people, a lifestyle of love is a requirement. Loving people through their pain and when they are at their very worst is not easy. I lose patience, I grow weary, and I at times feed into  the lie that change is not possible. God loves with an everlasting love, a love so deep that the ocean cannot even contain it. It's big, unconditional, love. This is the love I am called to love other people with. I realize that the reason I struggle to provide this love to others, is not because I don't see them as I should, it's because I don't see myself as I should. I don't love myself as I ought to. If I cannot properly receive God's love, then I cannot love myself, and I certainly cannot love others. God  wants my love for others to be based on the love I've received from Him. If I continue to wrestle with the idea that God loves me, the longer I am missing the ability to love others. Lord, please break down the walls of cynicism that I have built up around my heart. Get rid of the lie that Your love for me is based on my circumstances. Tear down the pillars of distrust in Your heart for me. Allow my heart to be vulnerable to Your grace. Allow my spirit attentive to Your sweet voice. And flood my life with a love so great that it overflows to those around me. May I love because You have loved me. 

Full Life

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

So much time I've spent wishing for different circumstances than those that are in front of me. I've wished to be back home around my close friends and family, I've wished I could be a part of leading worship again, I've wished I had a companion to walk through all the changes of life with. None of these desires are in and of themselves are bad, but the more I think on these things, the more I focus on the circumstances I wish were in front of me, the less contented I am with the circumstances that are actually in front of me. The more I say, "I wish," or "If only," the more I'm telling God that following Him isn't enough and the less I believe in the full life God intended for me to live out. Jesus came that I might have life to the full, and the enemy is trying to destroy that life. You know those times when I have a break down and I think, "I wish I could talk to someone back home that knows me well." Or times when I can't reach something up high or something is too heavy to lift and I think, "I could really use a man right now." I need to stop living in this attitude that there are things, people, circumstances that I need to come across in order to have a full life. In Christ, full life is here, it's now, and it's for me to partake in. I need to give my desires to God and delight myself in Him so that my desires become His desires. There is full joy in following God, even without a man by my side, even when I don't have opportunity to be a part of a worship team, and even when I'm miles away from the ones that know me best. 

He never fails

"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." (1 Corinthians 13:7-8a)

In a world filled with rejection, divorce, danger, opting out, giving up, fear, and loneliness, it seems as though these verses do not hold very much water. And when cynicism has won over my heart, I no longer believe the truth of God's love. Sarcasm becomes my defense mechanism, bitterness my life-line, and apathy my protective barrier. I don't have time for that person to let me down again, I just don't think that other person is ever going to change, and I am tired of someone else's BS. My heart has become numb to hope. I fail to love the way I am supposed to. And I realize that I fail to love because I fail to believe God's love for myself. I fail to believe that God can love me despite all of my shortcomings. I find myself once again in need of the Cross. I need to stand in its shadow once again and realize the grace that God extends to me. And this is not the first time I find myself back here, not even the second time, I find myself here every day, every moment in need of the Savior. God's sacrifice on the cross means that there's always hope, there is Someone I can always trust, and there is a love that truly never fails. No one is beyond the reach of God's love. Being loved by God makes me know that that there is no heart is too bitter to change, no person too depressed for God to lift up, and no soul wretched enough that God's grace doesn't extend to them. For God always hopes, always perseveres, and His love for us never fails.

Prone to Wander

Sitting here reading about people who have wandered in the Bible and how God loves them back to Him. Each account I read God is gentle in their shame, constant despite their wandering ways, and graceful despite their wayward hearts. And when I realize that God's heart relates to myself in the same way, I break. Sometimes God gives me a glimpse into His great love so overwhelming that I can't help but cry. The reasons why I've pushed the Father away seem trivial in comparison to  the great tenderness found in His embrace. The motivation behind my lack of trust in God's goodness seems petty, my rebellion is useless, and my pride ridiculous. I've listened to lie that God's love is based on circumstance. I've put a stop on the healing that hurts too much to go through. I've said no to the hope that wants to wash away my cynicism. I've allowed the hurt others have caused to build walls between me and God. Meanwhile God has been watching me within enough distance for me to walk back into His embrace. God's Father heart has stayed constant and his compassion consistent. And now I cry, not because of my shame, but because despite my shame, God is ever tender, filled with grace, and ever unconditionally loving.

We Believe

"We believe in God the Father
We believe in Jesus Christ
We believe in the Holy Spirit
And He's given us new life
We believe in the crucifixion
We believe that He conquered death
We believe in the resurrection
And He's coming back again, we believe." (The Newsboys)

This song has been on my heart tonight. I love it so much! The words speak of such great things! The healing that comes from God our Father, the salvation that comes from Jesus Christ, the guidance that comes from the Holy Spirit are all things that have the power to lift us up from any pit we may find ourselves in. The crucifixion that gives us acceptance, the conquering of death that gives us freedom, the resurrection that gives us full life, and the promise that the One Who loves us the most and the best, is coming back for us, all these things have the ability to pick us up when we stumble, light the way in the darkness, and keep us from sinking. There is no heart too broken for healing and there is no situation too bleak for hope. In every disheartening moment, may this song always find a way to our hearts!