Healing

I was reading in John 5 tonight about the healing pool at Bethesda. The pool where many would come to be healed. There's a swirling motion that happens from time to time in this pool and when this would occur, the blind, the lame, the sick would rush into this pool to be healed. There was an invalid who kept trying to get into the pool, but no one would help him. Jesus came along and asked the man if he wanted to get well. The invalid replied, "Sir I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." Jesus then told him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." Immediately, the man was cured. This story really struck me. Aren't we all trying to get into the pool? Aren't we all searching for healing and wholeness? Don't we all have something about us that we wish would be fixed? I definitely could say yes to all of this. I'm trying to get through the crowd of people, trying to even dip their toes into the pool, meanwhile, God is outside of the pool, trying to bring the healing to me. I get so caught up in my own method of fixing things that I fail to notice the restoring arms of God waiting for me. I run in the opposite direction because I can't let go of my precious independence and self-sufficiency. I desire healing but only through the method that seems safest to me. Preserving my self-reliance becomes most importance. So I deflect with sarcasm, cover up wounds with sassy remarks, and gloss over my insecurities with cynicism. And even on the days when I've given it my biggest effort, God is still waiting for me to realize that His way is best. Not because it's the easiest way, but because is the most thorough way. The heart is meant to be healed by the One who created it. My home will always be God's arms and therein lies complete restoration.

Prone to Wander

There came a point when I made a decision to surrender my life and passion to a story bigger than myself and to a God whose dreams for me were greater than anything I could ever come up with on my own. And I have followed Jesus for the greater part of my life. I’ve always seen every trial as an opportunity to grow, every wound a way to remain closer to my heavenly Father, and every pain felt in loving difficult people worth the sorrow because I have always believed in the God of reconciliation. I’ve walked this dusty, sometimes lonely, stormy path for some time now. There’s always been temptations to turn down some other road, one that’s easier, less rocky, more money at this job, less stress in this town, yet I’ve never allowed myself to linger very long at these crossroads. Now for  the first time ever, I’ve lingered at the crossroads. I’ve wondered what it would be like to be in charge of my own life. I’ve allowed myself to feel the softness of the path with fewer rocks. I’ve ventured down its many orchards and dipped my toes in its pools of water. I’ve felt the ease of doing whatever I feel like. And I’ve been burdened with the weight of the decision I must make. Do I continue on the path less traveled and continue to accept the trials, tears, and pain that come with it? Or do I continue on the path of self-sufficiency, independence, and financial security? God is familiar to me. Making the right decisions is what I know. And I’ve never questioned it. But rebellion is an entirely new concept for me. It’s something I’ve never had the courage to do. Something I’ve never had the desire to carry out. I’ve always liked being thought of as the good kid, the good example, or the one with such a great heart for the Lord. But the trap found in this, is instead of allowing myself my heart to remain connected to God, I’ve lived for the affirmation of others. I’ve found identity in my reputation of being a Christ follower. This can make the path of rebellion seem quite appealing for it’s less structured and more accepting of faults. The decision that has been bubbling inside of me since whatever day it was that I stopped living out of my heart for the Lord, is not the decision to go back to the familiar path, it’s the decision to take a new path. A path that’s full of the trials that come with following Jesus, yet full of the peace, joy, and unconditional love only found in His embrace. Instead of just allowing God to cleanse my mind, it’s time that I start allowing Him to penetrate my heart. God’s love is steady, yet because of its grandness, relying on it is an adventure. But I can’t limit my life to self-sufficiency, worldly success, and independence. I’m meant to be a part of a mind-blowing, heart enriching story that leads me closer to the wild love of God. I can no longer contain my passion for God in rule following, I need to give up on the idea that my identity is wrapped up in how I’m perceived by others. I cannot manicure the nature of God, I cannot groom it to fit my idea of success. The truth is, God loves me with a great love. And there’s nothing I can do to separate myself from that love. Every moment of rebellion is just an ache for God’s embrace. I’m done lingering.