Prone to Wander

There came a point when I made a decision to surrender my life and passion to a story bigger than myself and to a God whose dreams for me were greater than anything I could ever come up with on my own. And I have followed Jesus for the greater part of my life. I’ve always seen every trial as an opportunity to grow, every wound a way to remain closer to my heavenly Father, and every pain felt in loving difficult people worth the sorrow because I have always believed in the God of reconciliation. I’ve walked this dusty, sometimes lonely, stormy path for some time now. There’s always been temptations to turn down some other road, one that’s easier, less rocky, more money at this job, less stress in this town, yet I’ve never allowed myself to linger very long at these crossroads. Now for  the first time ever, I’ve lingered at the crossroads. I’ve wondered what it would be like to be in charge of my own life. I’ve allowed myself to feel the softness of the path with fewer rocks. I’ve ventured down its many orchards and dipped my toes in its pools of water. I’ve felt the ease of doing whatever I feel like. And I’ve been burdened with the weight of the decision I must make. Do I continue on the path less traveled and continue to accept the trials, tears, and pain that come with it? Or do I continue on the path of self-sufficiency, independence, and financial security? God is familiar to me. Making the right decisions is what I know. And I’ve never questioned it. But rebellion is an entirely new concept for me. It’s something I’ve never had the courage to do. Something I’ve never had the desire to carry out. I’ve always liked being thought of as the good kid, the good example, or the one with such a great heart for the Lord. But the trap found in this, is instead of allowing myself my heart to remain connected to God, I’ve lived for the affirmation of others. I’ve found identity in my reputation of being a Christ follower. This can make the path of rebellion seem quite appealing for it’s less structured and more accepting of faults. The decision that has been bubbling inside of me since whatever day it was that I stopped living out of my heart for the Lord, is not the decision to go back to the familiar path, it’s the decision to take a new path. A path that’s full of the trials that come with following Jesus, yet full of the peace, joy, and unconditional love only found in His embrace. Instead of just allowing God to cleanse my mind, it’s time that I start allowing Him to penetrate my heart. God’s love is steady, yet because of its grandness, relying on it is an adventure. But I can’t limit my life to self-sufficiency, worldly success, and independence. I’m meant to be a part of a mind-blowing, heart enriching story that leads me closer to the wild love of God. I can no longer contain my passion for God in rule following, I need to give up on the idea that my identity is wrapped up in how I’m perceived by others. I cannot manicure the nature of God, I cannot groom it to fit my idea of success. The truth is, God loves me with a great love. And there’s nothing I can do to separate myself from that love. Every moment of rebellion is just an ache for God’s embrace. I’m done lingering.