To Michael

When asking a writer what they think, you should expect that it will not be articulated with much brevity, especially one who's heart was involved. You really shouldn't expect anything less than a novel. So here's your novel...

What do I think? Even though there are many eloquent words that make up the English language, only one phrase comes to mind, "This sucks." What sucks is that the high hopes I had for this relationship are dashed. What sucks is that despite being uncertain of your divorce timeline I was willing to be patient and take things slow with you. What sucks is that although being vulnerable is a big step for me, I chose to say, "I miss you," meanwhile you were purposely distancing yourself further from me. What sucks is how much I'm gonna have to teach myself to not think of you anymore. What sucks is how angry my friends are over this, and I can't even allow myself the convenience and relief of that emotion. What sucks is how many more times I'm gonna have to re-hash this experience, knowing full well that my friends are going to want all the details. What sucks is that I can normally, sleep through the night with ease, and last night I couldn't. What sucks is that I still feel your kiss, and probably will for a bit longer. What sucks is how hard it's gonna be for me to resist the strong temptation to message you in the next coming weeks. What sucks is that I turned down some nice guys because of you. What sucks is that you either didn't realize or couldn't communicate sooner that you aren't ready, and I would be hurting a lot less right now. What sucks are the days I went into work happily tired from our lengthy late night phone conversations. What sucks is that despite all my best effort to guard my heart, I let down some walls for you.

And what also sucks is how much all of this doesn't actually suck. What doesn't suck is that you helped me let down my barriers and how much easier it's gonna be for the next guy. What doesn't suck is that I learned a lot from our late night conversations. What doesn't suck is that the hurt I'm feeling in my heart right now is such a victory over the enemy's effort in my past to make my heart numb. What doesn't suck is that I finally got to experience my first kiss and hand holding session and it was really good. What doesn't suck is the love and care I'm feeling from the army of friends rallying around me right now. What doesn't suck is that my sleepless nights are going to bring me to a much deeper level of intimacy with my Heavenly Father. What doesn't suck is that I have disallowed anger and bitterness to creep into my heart, and I'm allowing myself to feel hurt. What doesn't suck is that for the first time in a long time, I've allowed myself to cry in front of people. What doesn't suck is that I released myself to vulnerability, and it didn't crush the God-given peace I have welling inside of me. What doesn't suck is how much more of a passionate singer and worshiper this experience is going to make me. What doesn't suck are the high hopes I have in God to heal my wounded heart.  What doesn't suck is you, you don't suck. I don't hate you and I never will.