It's interesting the things we do to not feel. Some drink, some get high, some eat, some binge watch Netflix, some workout, some get over involved at church, some never let themselves mess up, some keep themselves busy with "serving." We all have our things we turn to. Sometimes not feeling is good. For example, better to run a mile then to punch someone in the face. But to live life constantly avoiding the things of the heart, makes for a pretty empty existence.
I think in the past I didn't struggle as much to give God control over my life as much as I just didn't really ever give Him control over my heart. Therein lies my problem of avoiding emotions. Following Jesus so far has kind of sucked, to be honest. I've had to forgive people who have wronged me, I've had let go of great guys just because they didn't love Jesus, I've had to smile at people who are rude, I've had to say goodbye to people because "God called me somewhere else," I've had to keep my lady parts on lock down (most ladies who love Jesus won't admit to this one, but the struggle is real!), I've had to endure the heartbreak that comes with putting myself out there.
Without realizing it, life has kind of trained me to stay numb to the things of the heart. So I've given Jesus my actions and my words, but I've kept my heart at bay. Yes, I may willingly feed a homeless person, but I don't listen to their story. I may volunteer to cook a meal for some troubled teens at camp, but I don't get attached. I may move away to follow Jesus, but I don't fully engage with the new people. I may talk with a guy and get to know him, but I don't initiate affection. I may listen to someone for hours, but I don't get vulnerable myself. I may seem social and I crack a lot of jokes, but I'm probably really avoiding tears. I've avoided rejection and pain at all costs. I go to work, talk courteously, smile politely. Off the clock, I stay busy with activities or read or watch something that distracts me from the life of my heart.
There's so much more to life than just being logical and guarded and there's so much more to following Jesus than robotic-ally focusing on always being a good person. Pain, rejection, and sorrow are the things we must risk feeling to ever feel the things that are life-giving. Following Jesus may involve saying goodbye, but it always involves new opportunity for life. It's not always good to go straight for the gym, the tv remote, or to the church to serve. Sometimes it's good to just sit and be still and feel every ounce of emotion that has been kept at bay. There is nothing strong enough besides God to hold the weight of all the emotions that life brings. Food runs out, alcohol is expensive, and there's only so many episodes in a series before it's over.
No comments:
Post a Comment