God is our Strength

"God will be our strength." "God is enough." "God will fill you." All things that we say to each other, to make whatever struggle we're going through seem more bearable. And as good-intentioned as our words are, they seem to lack the ability to connect with our hearts. Because in all reality as much as we say we believe these words, we still don't tap into the incredible fulfillment that God's presence offers. We rely on friends, possessions, addictions, and family to fill us. We say God is our everything, but He's not actually the first one we go to when we are struggling. Whether it be a friend, a beer, a car, or our mommy, we turn to things that were never intended to fill us completely. I've done this many times. I tend to turn to people first before I trust God. But God being the wise guy He is has put me in situations when He has taken away my people that I turn to. He has moved me more than once now to completely new surroundings. I've struggled, been frustrated, been sad, felt lost, felt alone, and my only nearby option was God. What a sweet time these moments have been for me. Sweet times that I've been really able to taste and see that God is good. Moments when the only way to vent my frustrations was down on my knees, when the only arms to hold me were my Heavenly Father's, and the only comfort to be found was in singing to our Great God. It's because of these moments that I've learned not only the knowledge of God's strength and love, but I've learned rely on it, I've tested it, and found it to be solid. I will acknowledge that God has used people to demonstrate His love towards me, but my true foundation has ultimately been found in the embrace of my Heavenly Father.

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us." (1 John 4:16)

"Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy Name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits- Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from the pit ad crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like eagles." (Psalm 103:1-5)

The Clouds Roll Away

The other day there were thunderstorms here in East Texas. I've experienced thunderstorms in Oregon and Paris, but there was something different about this one, the time after the storm. Though the storm clouds were past my location, you could still see them moving right along. I saw lightning flashes and heard faint sounds of thunder from within the bunch of clouds. I've never seen this before. I’ve never been able to watch the storm as it rolls away. It got me to thinking about the times in my walk with the Lord that have been stormy. There have been storms of pain, rejection, loneliness, disappointment, loss, and discouragement. During the storm’s occurrence, all you can see are the dark clouds that surround you. The wind seems relentless and the rain never-ending. You live in hope for the day that the clouds roll away, the sky clears, and the sun shines down on you once again. And when this day finally comes, you may have the opportunity to watch the storm as it continues somewhere else. A friend loses a loved one, a child is rejected, a colleague is experiencing hurt, a stranger is lonely and you can commiserate. You can commiserate because the very storms that lurk above them were once above you. They feel overwhelmed, but you see the blue sky surrounding the bunch of clouds and feel the sun’s rays. You've seen hope revealed, you've seen hurt healed, and you've known God’s presence in the midst of loneliness. You've sang through the rain and danced in the wind, proclaiming God’s goodness during your biggest trials. It is one of life’s greatest privileges to use your experiences to point others to the Heavenly Father. Use the voice God has given you and sing a song of hope, proclaim words of truth, and never let fear keep you from sharing your story.

Here Comes Goodbye

Watched a movie with a goodbye scene tonight and of course it made me cry. Ever since I packed up and said goodbye to all my loved ones in GP to live in Paris 2 years ago, I get weepy during any goodbye scene I watch. Though I'm back in GP with my loved ones now, I'm starting to tear up. I'm  packing up and saying goodbye to GP again in 3 weeks. Everyone keeps reassuring me that it's going to be fine because I've done this before. And the truth is, it will be fine and I have done this before. But I think becoming familiar with a certain sadness doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited for this next chapter in Texas, but I'm not looking forward to the feeling that comes with leaving people behind. And with each sad moment that comes a certain cynicism wants to creep in.  Trying to convince you that opening your heart up to people is really too much to handle, that connecting with others is not worth the heartache that comes with leaving them. But it's wrong. I've learned that people are always worth it. We are meant to have relationships throughout our seasons in life. Some get to walk along side us, others stay with us in our hearts, and a few are in it for the long haul. And if it hurts to say goodbye to someone, it's a blessed indication that you are indeed spending your heart in the way it was meant to be spent. Thank God that He created us for community, thank God that He created us for Him, and thank God that He is there to mend the pieces of our broken hearts as we say our goodbyes.

"Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper." (Jeremiah 29:5-8)

Signs of Unemployment

Signs of Unemployment or that you're on a long vacation (depends on how you look at it):

You can't tell what the date is or what day of the week it is without looking at a calendar.

You know it's time to do the laundry because you've run out of clean swimsuits.

You wonder why all of your friends have to work so much.

Some days you skip washing your hair because you know that you're going to be floating the river anyway.

You're finally not busy enough to overlook the fact that your car needs to be washed. (that doesn't mean you wash it, just now you notice that it's dirty)

You make plans with people because you have all this free time and become busier than when you were working.

You wonder why you have so many shoes cause you wear flip flops all the time. (with the exception of cowboy boots on Sundays cause they just look cuter with dresses)

You watch movies you forgot you owned.

You become very reflective, write your thoughts down and fancy yourself a poet.

Though you have a lot of time on your hands, you find yourself reluctant to commit to anything more than a day in advance because you want to leave time for naps.

You realize that your kitchen is full of baked goods and you are finally running out of that seemingly endless supply of flour you have.

You sing the day away, literally. It's amazing how many instrumental tracks there are on spotify.

You finally have time to learn all those Dolly Parton and Reba Mcentire songs you always wanted to bust out anytime you find yourself in a social setting involving karaoke.

As anxious as you are to get back to work, you realize the value there is in rest.

You better understand the importance of people and relationships. You finally get to say a little later, laugh a little longer, and talk a little deeper.

You finally know the meaning of being still before the Lord and are more connected to Him because of it.

And as lost as you feel, you become better acquainted with who you are and what you are meant to do.

Though this last month has been very topsy turvy for me, I've been so grateful for this time. I look forward to starting the next part of the journey, but am enjoying this time of repose. God knows what He's doing.

New Season

Today as I got off the river, I saw a kid from the Boys and Girls Club. He hadn't been at the club all week so I didn't get to say goodbye to him. I didn't realize just how much this kid meant to me till I saw him today. He was getting on the river as I was getting off. As he waved and said, "Bye Atalia," the finality of the moment hit me. I realized that as he floated down river, fading from my view, a season of my life is coming to a close. It's been an honor to have had the opportunity to invest in the lives of the kids at the Boys and Girls Club these past 5 years. It's hard to work with kids and not involve your heart. And as I watched that kid float down the river with his new foster family, I knew that a part of my heart would forever be his as well as every child I came across in my time at the club. I pray that God will protect them, guide them, and bring them closer to Him. I pray that they will all realize their potential and beat the odds. God be with the kids and staff at the Boys and Girls Club. And God go before me and be with the new group of youth that I will spend the next season of my life with. May the sadness of leaving subside so that I may walk into this season with a full heart, ready to give again.

Mistakes

What I've been learning lately is that you shouldn't love someone because they love you.You have to love someone despite the fact that they won't always love you perfectly. You shouldn't trust someone because they are trustworthy, you have to choose to trust them even though that trust may be broken. You shouldn't rely on someone because they are dependable. You never know how long you have with any one person regardless of whether or not they have control over the circumstances. You shouldn't take care of someone because they take good care of you. You have to take care of someone even when they lack the ability to care for you in the same way. You shouldn't forgive someone and expect an apology. You have to forgive knowing that the person may never change nor feel remorse. You shouldn't build a bridge expecting that someone will meet you halfway. Sometimes you have to cross the bridge and and walk someone back over it with you. You shouldn't give of yourself or your resources expecting compensation. You have to give, generously because some people just aren't capable of giving back.

Though they come with faults, people are too important to give up on. Time is too precious to harbor bitterness. And relationships are too necessary to become jaded. Don't walk through life expecting people to let you down, walk through life embracing the moments when love is perfect. And most importantly, walk through life relying on the only One Who's love is perfect, Who's heart is unchanging, and Who's pursuit of the human race is unwavering. For only when we rely on Him are we able to give wholeheartedly, forgive thoroughly, and love unconditionally.

God's Love

"This is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us..." 1 John 4:10

Our inconsistent attempts to love God with fickle hearts do not reflect the unwavering nature of God's love toward us. Though we stray, and only call on Him when things get rough, His loving arms never lose their grip on us. And even when we put up walls, God's love is fighting against every ounce of cynicism inside of us. Thinking over these last couple of months and how much I've doubted God's love for me, I am completely in awe at how steadfast God's love has been throughout. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking of God's relentless pursuit of my heart. God loves me and that is love, not that I love Him.

Without God

I don't really want to share this but, transparency is important for God to get the glory. Weakness should be admitted so that God's strength becomes more apparent. So here goes. For certain reasons that aren't important to this post, I've always had really high expectations of myself and others. This has left me with a tendency to be prideful.There have been plenty of things I've abstained from, many big mistakes I haven't made, and plenty of progress in healing from hurts people have caused me. And sometimes I really do feel like patting myself on the back. Sometimes I really do think I'm a pretty good person. Well, lately, things have been a bit stressful. And for the first time, I've been resistant to God's Voice in my life. So I've had the opportunity to be more acquainted with the the version of myself not under the direction of God's guidance. She's not too pretty. She's impatient, way too sarcastic, can't keep her facial expressions in check, she's selfish, not very helpful, and apathetic to other peoples' pain. She's also guarded, insecure, scared, and cynical. And these are just the things I'm willing to admit, believe me, the list is much longer. But you get the picture, I'm not a pretty picture without God.

It has been a very humbling couple of months for me. I am beginning to no longer look back at the way I've lived my life with pride in my heart. Now, I look back and see God's amazingly sweet intervention. I see how God has brought me to victory. I see how God's hand fixed my wounded heart. I see how God used His Word to show me where I should walk. I see how God's Voice has been entwined with all of my thought processes. I see God's arms picking me up and prodding me along. I see God's relentless pursuit of my heart. Without God, I wouldn't be much of a good person. Without God, I shudder to think of how messed up my life would be. Without God, I am a broken, mistake-prone, human. Without God my identity is undetermined, my purpose unknown, and my destination undiscovered. But how wonderful to know that even though I may stray at times, God never walks away from me. I do not have to be without God. And by His grace alone I will find strength in my weakness. Praise God that I don't have to live life without God.

I don't care

Been thinking tonight...I have a neighbor who drives me crazy. Around 7pm each night, he starts watching a movie, he doesn't stop watching movies till about noon the next day. Now normally this shouldn't annoy me, but he has all of his windows open and the volume is up so high that I feel like I'm sitting in his living room watching it with him. I've been annoyed for weeks by this because it's been preventing me from sleeping very well. But I've been thinking...I wonder why he watches movies. Maybe he's lonely, doesn't have anyone to talk to so he drowns out the silence with movies. Maybe he is hard of hearing. Maybe he is disabled, can't work, and watches movies all the time to fill the void. I don't know why he watches movies so loudly at night. But the important question I should answer is, why don't I care? Why do I get so caught up in my annoyance that I forget to care, forget to care that he's a human being, a human being possibly in need of hope? And for that matter, why don't I care more in general? Too many times I get too caught up in my annoyance with people. I get annoyed waiting in the grocery store line behind some lady with her 5 crazy kids swiping her Oregon Trail card. I get annoyed waiting for someone, clearly under the influence, to finally cross the street. I get annoyed when I see, yet another homeless person asking for money at Walmart. But unlike me God doesn't roll His eyes as any of these situations. He sees right past the exterior and sees what's really going inside. Hurt. Rejection. Pain. God sees and knows the pain in each circumstance. He knows people's past and why their present is the way it is now. His heart is not annoyance, His heart is unconditional love. He's also in the business of changing us, so it's no coincidence that change is a natural response to God's unconditional love pouring into our lives. Our addictions don't daunt Him, our methods of repression does not thwart Him, and our resolve to push Him away doesn't hinder Him. God's love is strong. What people really need to know is that God cares. And how will people ever know that God cares if I don't care?

God is love.

My love is so imperfect! Sometimes I get stressed and become snippy with people I claim to love. I get really busy and fail to spend time with ones I claim to love. I've talked behind the backs of people I claim to love. I've been impatient with kids I claim to love. I've chosen my own comfort and convenience over the needs of those I claim to love. I have not always kept my word with those that I've claimed to love. I have harbored bitterness against those I claim to love. Clearly, though, I have attempted love, have in many ways failed at it.

The good news is,

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us..." (1 John 4:10)" Also, "...love comes from God..." (1 John 4:7)

And these truth couldn't come at a better time than now. If we base love on how we love or how others love us, then love fails miserably! But the truth is that God is love, love comes from God, and true love only exists through Him. What a relief to know that love isn't as impatient, selfish, and inconsiderate as I can be sometimes. What hope there is in knowing that love is not proportionate to the way others have treated us. Love is equivalent to God. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. God is love. And I cannot love without God.

I love Jesus

Was thinking tonight, we throw around the phrase, "I love Jesus," a lot. We also attribute some of our actions to that love. People ask us why we save sex for marriage we say, "It's because I love Jesus." People wonder when grace is given to an undeserving person, we explain, "It's because I love Jesus." We refrain from gossip and we say it's because we love Jesus. Loving Jesus is good, but I was stopped in my tracks tonight with this reminder. The only reason there is any good in our lives is not because "We love Jesus." All the good in our lives can only be attributed to the fact that Jesus loves us. God loved us before we ever thought of loving Him. It's not our love for Jesus that motivates us to forgive, it's God's unconditional love for us that is behind it. We don't refrain from things because we love Jesus, we refrain from things because we have tasted a better life in Christ's love. God's love fills every hole in our hearts and leaves us so overflowing that love erupts from our lives onto others. Or at least that's how it should be. Because on the other hand when we fail at loving others, when we run out of grace we cannot blame it on our failure to love God. We can only blame it on our failure to know, feel, and understand God's love for us. The world doesn't need people who merely know of God, the world needs people who know God's love for them and daily rely on it. My love for God fails on a pretty regular basis, but it's God's love that picks me back up and motivates me to find my way back to loving Him.