What I Have Learned from Online Dating Thus Far

Well, all of my friends have been asking for it. So I'm finally doing it. Here's my blog about my online dating experience...

What I Have Learned From Online Dating Thus Far

Avoid profiles with pictures involving the absence of shirts or really any article of clothing, fingers giving the bird, and "swole time," at the gym.

With the fancy-ness of spell check and brain cells, there's no excuse for any of the online bozos to consistently misspell words. Sporadic occurrence, I get. On a regular basis, I'm out. And no, I don't accept "marijuana in my youth," as a justifiable excuse either.

If he ever leads with, "Hey sexy, hmu." Hitting him up should be the last thing you do.

Anything and everything you say, to the right pervie, can be taken as an innuendo. I've found no words to be a good solution to this problem.

When asked to send photos of yourself and your selfie isn't good enough and they want a "body pic," sending a picture of your elbow is not entertaining to them as it is you. And you're funny, so move on with your life, you don't need that kind of lack of funny, negativity in your life.

When you meet your date in person and he spends 30 minutes in the bathroom doing only the Lord knows what, can't stop talking about all the knowledge he knows, and is "too tired," to walk to the other side of his car to open your door, hit the eject button as soon as you can.

If your online date tells you that he works for the CIA and needs your social security number so that the government can run a background check on you, and you compare him to that one CIA spy guy you saw in that one movie and how he needs only the first letter of your first name to run a background check, then supposed CIA online dater blocks you immediately, you don't need to be sad. He may not have been in the CIA after all.

If it's 10 pm and you're still online, you really should be wrapping up conversations and not responding to new messages. Guys starting a conversation past 10 pm only want one thing...

When you talk to a nice guy for a few days and every thing seems to be going right, then he accidentally sends you a very steamy paragraph that is clearly intended for one of the other ladies he's talking to, and even after awkwardly admitting it was meant for another girl, he asks if you want to join him for a little hot tub time after she leaves, you can come to the conclusion that he is probably not the one for you.

Once a guy discovers you are saving sex till marriage, he will either run very fast in the other direction or ask you a million question to try and help himself understand how you could possibly wait.

If a guy says he's good with waiting to have sex till you get married, there's a good chance he means it.

If a guy says he's good with waiting to have sex till you get married, there's a good chance he's lying.

Don't get your Christianese panties in too much of knot when a guy finds you attractive. This is normal and fine.

Sometimes a guy is busy with life and stuff and doesn't have time to talk to you for a few days and in reality he really just lacks the balls to let you know that he's not interested anymore.

Sometimes a guy is busy with life and stuff and doesn't have time to talk to you for a few days and he's being totally legit. Having a job and responsibilities can mean this. And you want a man with a job and responsibilities.

When a guy gives you a pet name right from the get-go like, "baby," "cutie," etc, it's not cute. It's probably because he can't remember your actual name.

When a guy wants a Proverbs 31 woman, who's sweet, fit, and will join him in his "shrug life," at the gym, he's not the kind of boring and predictable you want in your life.

Just because he says he loves Jesus doesn't mean he's not sometimes on cloud 9 with Rebecca St. James.

If you've been texting a guy for 2 weeks and you think you're in love. You're not. He's just really good at copying and pasting.

There's two kind of guys online. Christian guys who have loved Jesus since they were fetuses and have too much Jesus in their hearts. And non-Christian guys who have too much going on with their you know what's.

Good Christian guys want a quiet, submissive pastor's wife with no personality. Non-Christian guys think you're hilarious, but you shouldn't date them either.

When a guy doesn't make the effort with you, he's making it with someone else.

If a guy tells you he's not interested, he may not always mean it. If a guy shows you he's not interested, he always means it.

Online dating forces one to be the player that they never thought they would become.

Guarding your heart is of utmost importance.

When you're overtly guarded, you finally receive your first kiss and that guy breaks your heart, and it hurts, it's an indication that God is still keeping your heart alive. Take this as a good sign and let yourself cry.

Never settle and never waiver on your beliefs and deal breakers.

In the savage world of online dating, you have to guide a guy in how to properly respect you. They will honor you as much as you teach them to.

When you meet a guy whom you like, respect, and enjoy talking to, keep him around. That's potential.

Love is truly patient and kind. So be patient and kind and expect patient and kind in return.

Being in a relationship with a guy means that you should probably be praying more than you used to.

There's going to come a point in your interactions with a guy when you slowly start to give a part of your heart away, don't resist this process. Any good relationship requires vulnerability and some skin in the game. God has the ability to bring all the pieces back together if he's not the one.

There are a multitude of pervies, tools, and liars in the online dating world, but you have to stumble past them to get find the few good ones. And the good ones are indeed out there.

Never allows your negative experiences to root bitterness in your heart. Learn from your experiences with the losers. Allow them to grow in you wisdom and unashamed beauty.

Never feel ashamed or stupid to put yourself out there. Your heart doesn't really belong any man anyway. It's in much better hands.

Mountains & Valleys

It's been a rough season this past month or so. I can't tell you how many times the expression, "When it rains, it pours," has come to mind and has felt very real to me. I've been hearing a lot of accolades from well-meaning people. One in particular has been on mind quite a bit. "God never gives you more than you can handle." It doesn't seem right. It sounds nice on a sunny day when you're standing on the mountaintop, but when it's flooding and you're constantly falling into the mud and muck in the valley, these words just don't seem very real. In fact, they seem like a big lie. How can God expect you to handle things when your knees have buckled under, you back has finally given out, and you've fallen over backwards? How could the weakness uncovered by my present circumstances be a nod to some mysterious amount strength found inside of me? 

I think I struggle with this expression the most not because God allows hard circumstances that seem unbearable, but rather because I don't do well when I don't do well. I don't want to just make it, I want to excel. But God allows things in my life that only with His help, I can handle, and even then I may not handle them well. In fact, I don't think I'm meant to. I think that there's a lot of good in being broken, weak, and unable to move forward without help. I think that it is necessary in being human and especially necessary in being a human relating to God. The challenges we face, the burdens we bear, and the trials we endure all achieve for us a greater reliance on a Savior. If our knees had never buckled under and the floods had never come, then we would have never known the reaching embrace of our Father God's very loving arms. 

God has given me more than I can handle alone. And some days, it's hard, because some days I carry that burden alone on purpose, doubting His goodness. But God has not ever given me more than I can handle without His help. And on the days I don't go it alone and I welcome the help of my Heavenly Father, He excels, and I make it. 

To Michael

When asking a writer what they think, you should expect that it will not be articulated with much brevity, especially one who's heart was involved. You really shouldn't expect anything less than a novel. So here's your novel...

What do I think? Even though there are many eloquent words that make up the English language, only one phrase comes to mind, "This sucks." What sucks is that the high hopes I had for this relationship are dashed. What sucks is that despite being uncertain of your divorce timeline I was willing to be patient and take things slow with you. What sucks is that although being vulnerable is a big step for me, I chose to say, "I miss you," meanwhile you were purposely distancing yourself further from me. What sucks is how much I'm gonna have to teach myself to not think of you anymore. What sucks is how angry my friends are over this, and I can't even allow myself the convenience and relief of that emotion. What sucks is how many more times I'm gonna have to re-hash this experience, knowing full well that my friends are going to want all the details. What sucks is that I can normally, sleep through the night with ease, and last night I couldn't. What sucks is that I still feel your kiss, and probably will for a bit longer. What sucks is how hard it's gonna be for me to resist the strong temptation to message you in the next coming weeks. What sucks is that I turned down some nice guys because of you. What sucks is that you either didn't realize or couldn't communicate sooner that you aren't ready, and I would be hurting a lot less right now. What sucks are the days I went into work happily tired from our lengthy late night phone conversations. What sucks is that despite all my best effort to guard my heart, I let down some walls for you.

And what also sucks is how much all of this doesn't actually suck. What doesn't suck is that you helped me let down my barriers and how much easier it's gonna be for the next guy. What doesn't suck is that I learned a lot from our late night conversations. What doesn't suck is that the hurt I'm feeling in my heart right now is such a victory over the enemy's effort in my past to make my heart numb. What doesn't suck is that I finally got to experience my first kiss and hand holding session and it was really good. What doesn't suck is the love and care I'm feeling from the army of friends rallying around me right now. What doesn't suck is that my sleepless nights are going to bring me to a much deeper level of intimacy with my Heavenly Father. What doesn't suck is that I have disallowed anger and bitterness to creep into my heart, and I'm allowing myself to feel hurt. What doesn't suck is that for the first time in a long time, I've allowed myself to cry in front of people. What doesn't suck is that I released myself to vulnerability, and it didn't crush the God-given peace I have welling inside of me. What doesn't suck is how much more of a passionate singer and worshiper this experience is going to make me. What doesn't suck are the high hopes I have in God to heal my wounded heart.  What doesn't suck is you, you don't suck. I don't hate you and I never will. 

When God Hid His Face From Me

"When I felt secure, I said, 'I will never be shaken.' O Lord when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed." (Psalm 30:6-7)

I'm not completely sure of the circumstances surrounding these words from David, but I can relate to the emotions they convey. There was a time that I, like David, felt very secure in life. I made good choices, I said encouraging things, people praised me for my "wisdom beyond my years," and I put actions to my faith by serving in more than one ministry not only at church, but also in the "real world," which made me extra Jesusy. There is no issue in what I was was doing, but rather the issue was that I was finding my identity in being a person that loves God so much that I forgot to actually love God.

Finally the Lord allowed tiring circumstances in my life to rid me of the people-pleasing foundation I had built so much of my identity on. I became unable to speak encouraging words and do all the other good things people had been so accustomed to seeing me do. I was broken, and still am, and I think probably will always be until I see God face to face. It's a brokenness that finally allows me to relax and let go of expectations. It's a brokenness that gives the ability to release the immense pressure I feel to be perfect. It's a brokenness that permits me to doubt God and His goodness. It allows me to indulge in sincerity. It pushes back my fear of disappointing people. And it gives me grace for myself when I'm feeling a little rough around the edges. My recent surrender to brokenness is bringing me to a much more genuine wonder of God and His love for me.

Just like David, I buckled under when circumstances changed and I no longer felt secure. I felt the loneliness of God's hidden face. And it's the best thing that could have ever happened to my relationship with God.

Heartbreak

Well, it's official, I've had my first foray into the relationship heartbreak world as an adult. It's a painful spot to be in, but it has quiet completely quieted my heart before the Lord. When the stillness comes, the lies being spoken in the background are much easier to detect. When you brave the waters of putting yourself out there, you chance that the winds might pick up and that the towering waves might end up tossing you back onto the shore into a sprawled out seaweed mess. It's a vulnerable spot to be in. You start to feel un-valued, un-likeable, and ultimately rejected. Now why talk about this? Isn't it hard? Of course it is, but my hardships have always been catapults for God to launch something greater. I know many of you are not unfamiliar with the stinging pain of things not working out with someone you really like. My natural pull has been to not want to talk about it and to keep my feelings to myself. I just feel stupid. I think what I have to learn in this and what I have to say to those of you going through something similar, don't ever feel stupid for putting yourself out there. Don't ever think that you have less value because someone else doesn't see it. Never should you feel ashamed to cry or feel hurt. An arrow can only be shot by being pulled backwards at first, but don't worry because God can use this "pulled-back" season to focus you, and when He does launch you, it will be much further than you expected. Allow your emotions to take their full cycle, but in the process, don't become bitter, become better. There's something about our hardships that lead us to believe that God isn't the good God He says He is. I can't tell you how many times this has been my struggle. Peace isn't found in forcing yourself to believe God is good. Peace is found in sincerely coming before the Lord, giving full voice to your doubt, then allowing God to show you that there's a difference between our version of good and God's greater good. Know that God is all about your good as much as He is about His glory. Sometimes the most gracefully loving thing He can do for us is tell us no. It's important to not give up hope or belief in God's goodness and unfailing love. Feel the hurt and anger, don't snuff it out with busyness or people's shallow admonitions to get over it. It's okay to not want to listen to the married 22 year old with kids telling you to wait on the Lord's timing who has barely any experience in actual waiting. Watch a sad movie. Listen to sad music. Feel the fullness of what you're going through, but ultimately, allow it to drive you to that quiet spot before the Lord.

Tragedies, tragedies, tragedies...

With all the tragedies happening in our country, in different parts of the world right now, there's a lot of talk in the Christian circles I've been in about wickedness and the end times. As believers we sometimes get too caught up in our Christianese world that we forget our true role. We forget that kindness leads to repentance, that our ministry is reconciliation, we take God's grace for granted, and we love with way too many conditions. Instead of recognizing our own weaknesses, we focus too much on the weaknesses of others. We stand up for truth, while stomping our neighbor into the ground. We hate the sin without supporting the person. We speak out against wickedness yet withhold kind words from the struggling. We admit we're not perfect, but we fail to reveal the depth of our struggles and doubts. We "give God the glory," for the gem he's refined us to be, but aren't willing to share about the ugly process it took us to get there. We brag about fact that we don't miss out on spending time with Jesus, while never seeing the disease of pride that has been growing in our lives. We donate money to the orphans and widows, but we don't give our time. We pray for people who are suffering, but we don't go through the struggle with them.We become shocked and appalled by the choices people make, and are completely clueless to our own faults. We say, "Jesus loves you," but withhold affection. We minister in Jesus' name, but we forget to take along Jesus' heart.

Our role is not judgement, our role is love. Our role is not to point out sin, it is to recognize our own. Our role is not separation from this world, our role is to connect with this world. Our role is to not walk away from people to frustration, but we walk towards them in grace. Our role is not give up, our role is to always reconcile. May our weaknesses, our struggles, our faults, sow in us a compassion and love for others. Yes, the days our certainly evil, but we are to be here in this world, actively participating in kindness to our fellow man.

Loving the Unlovable

I've recently become a firm believer in the idea that my love for others is directly connected to the way I receive God's love for myself. I struggle to unconditionally love because I struggle to accept God's unconditional love for myself. And it's been said that it's hard to love unlovable people, but I'm beginning to realize that it's not as nearly as hard as it is to do the opposite. Our arms grow tired from all the walls we've built, our sarcastic comments are becoming heavy as the bitterness piles on, and our unrelenting tendency to dwell on others' faults slowly sucks the life out of us. We refuse to see the good because we become too boggled down by the bad. I've been too guilty of these things.

I've seen a lot of people not in the their best state. I've been soaked in the tears of friends who are erupting with emotions, I've held towels to stop the blood flow over the wounds teens have inflicted as a coping skill, I've been yelled at by misinformed people, I've been abused and I've been called everything single bad word in one conversation. I've many reasons to call it quits on people. As much as I want to, I cannot, because God has every reason in the book to call it quits on me. I've messed up and I have many faults. Every day God still loves me. God picks me up after every stumble. And being loved by such a big God in such a big way, gives me no right to play favorites with others.

May we learn to love people despite their faults. May we see the great qualities people have to offer in lieu of honing in on all the bad. If there is no hope for our neighbors that have wronged us, then there is no hope for us, who have wronged others. There is always hope. People can always change. And even if they don't, may we learn to accept God's unconditional love for us so that loving others is just an over flow from that well. Life on earth is way too short to be bogged down by nit picking others. It's too tiring, too burdensome. It is much better to allow the walls we've built to fall and to allow the bitterness to subside. It is much easier to allow ourselves to be immersed in God's unrestricted love. For when we accept God's love for us, our hearts become way too full to exclude others.

Eggshells

As an avid Jesus loving, people pleaser, I've walked on quite a few egg shells in my day. I've always been concerned with the kind of example I'm setting. My high expectations of myself have never allowed me much room to make any huge regretful life decisions. It's not that I'm a great person who just happens to be really good at being good, because the truth is, I've always been scared shitless to do anything outside the rules I've been given. Naturally, I've never really had the courage to take risks, question the rules, or push boundaries. I like making good choices. It's comfortable and people praise me for it. So why change? Well lately, God has been shaking the foundations of every people pleasing part of me. He's taught me how to, "not give an f, if you will, and this is what I've learned so far...

What Not Giving an F Has Taught Me:

My biggest struggle is rooted in my lack of belief that God is good.

God's unconditional love is one of the greatest mysteries I've ever experienced.

The harshness I treat my failures and mistakes with does not hold a candle to the grace God treats them with.

I am human, I mess up, and instead of beating myself up about it, I need to laugh.

Laughing through the struggle changes my perspective on myself as well as others. It snuffs out bitterness and points me closer to God's perspective.

People cannot always take us in our dark moments. And it's okay. It doesn't make them uncaring people, it just makes them human, and aren't we all?

Pay attention to the few people that stick around when you are in your messiest moment. These are the people that love you for who you are and not what you bring to the relationship.

Accepting God's love for me means that I must sever all ties with any beliefs I've derived from the circumstances that have taught me differently.

My inability to love others is the product of my inability to accept God's love for myself.

God's grace doesn't appear when I repent, it's always there, even when I in my deepest rebellion, waiting for me to see it.

There are many aches on my back from burdens I was never meant to carry.

I cannot fix people.

Vulnerability is of utmost importance. God has used my weakest moments to display His strength, and my darkest struggle to shine his brilliant light.

All the past hurts I've experienced are tools for a future in helping others heal.

People can always change.

God being good means that I must stop associating Him with bad things and bad people.

There are identities and expectations people will always hold me to even though I am not those things any longer.

I love God because of who He is, God loves me, despite who I am.

There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear.

Weakness

There are moments of great strength and victory. And these moments are good. But as life-giving as these moments are, there are others of equal importance. Our weak and broken times. As someone who has felt chained to peoples' high expectations, these broken moments are the hardest to talk about. People expect me to say something Jesusy. People like me because I'm funny. But sometimes the process of healing is messy. It requires that we let go of the false identities we've held onto. I have become weary of doing good. I've tired from the burden of being the good example. And there's less of a need for me to people please through humor. For the first time in a while, I've needed more than I've been giving. It's not a familiar spot to be in. The redeeming part about this whole season is that I've never leaned so heavily on God's grace. I've learned to not just know that God loves me, but to rely on that love. I've seen God glorified more than He ever has been in my life. It's the sharing of my struggles that has been drawing others closer to God. For the first time, I am understanding that His strength is truly made perfect in my weakness. This process of becoming a more sincere follower of God has required more vulnerability than I've ever been comfortable showing. And yes, this process might mean that I cuss a little bit more, I am not as consistent as I've appeared to be, and I am not the seemingly perfect Christian girl people expect me to be. But I am closer to understanding God's heart of deep forgiveness, grace, and love. I've exhausted these resources more in the past 3 months than I have in all my 27 years of following Jesus. God has taken my struggles and hurts and has sowed a heart of understanding for others' struggles and hurts. There is great value in weakness. God is bringing my heart closer to a true sense of being satisfied in Him.

God is Near

"Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

I've sang these words numerous times and have meant every word of them. And the Lord has been answering my request. What I didn't realize is how high the waves would be, how much my feet would ache from the distance, and how far past my comfort God would lead me. I've been unraveling the tangled mess of my insecurities one string at a time. My weaknesses have been laid bare before me and I am broken. My prayers are feeble and my worship is an offering of tears. I've wondered why I decided to follow Jesus and I've felt the sting of "though none go with me." The truth is, following Jesus can be hard, lonely, and exhausting. There's many moments of wanting to throw in the towel. I knew when I signed up that the gate would be small and the road would be narrow but as my knees start to buckle and my muscles burn, I begin to lose hope in the full life I was promised. And just as I'm about to faint from heat exhaustion, the sun begins to set and the cool of the evening surrounds me. The stars come out, I find a place to rest for the night, and I am comforted by the sounds of God's creation. There's a peace that engulfs me. God is near. Had my feet not been weary from the journey, I would have never known the healing there is in resting in God's presence. Had my eyes not been tired from squinting in the sun all day, I would not appreciate the clarity found in God's words. Had I not been alone and had a traveling companion, I would not know the depth of God's empowering love. And in the morning, I awake and continue the journey. There's mountains I'm meant to climb, rivers who's waters I'm meant to conquer, and, and forests who's trees I'm meant to scale. My circumstances, my wounds, my weaknesses, and my singleness all play a role. There is hope, healing, and joy. God is near.

I am embraced.

I was reading the story of the lady who was sick and was seeking out Jesus for healing. She had already told herself that if she could just touch his cloak she would be healed. So while Jesus and His disciples were on their way to heal someone else, she came up behind Him and touched His cloak. Jesus turned to her and said, "Take heart, daughter, your faith has healed you." And she was healed. I can identify with this woman in so many ways. So many times I have found myself seeking out the Lord in need. I'll come trembling in fear behind Him, barely touch His cloak then scram, hoping that my brokenness went unnoticed. Yet every time I seek Him out, He notices. He doesn't flinch at my touch. He doesn't pull away in disgust. He doesn't reject me.  He sees me. He acknowledges me. He affirms me. He embraces me. He heals me. He looks at me with love. And no matter how many times, I've experienced God's loving embrace, I still tremble when He holds me, I hesitate to make eye contact with Him, I doubt that His grace is unending, and I fear His rejection. Not because of anything He's ever done. But because I've based God's love for me on my circumstances, and my relationships with others. I equate man's inability to unconditionally love to God's love for me. As it says in 1 Corinthians 13, I've been peering through this mist, unable to get a clear picture of God's true heart. I squint through the fog of rejection, I stumble over lies whispered in the loneliness, and lose heart while looking through the lenses of hurt. I grow tired waiting for the fog to clear, succumb to the mist, and forget the sun ever existed. But just as the woman came to Jesus and was fully embraced, I can come to Jesus and be fully embraced as well. We do not lose heart because God has lost His heart for us, we lose heart because we see through the lenses of this world and all the brokenness it entails. My prayer is that we will know and experience the love God has for us, that we will stop tripping over each other and the imperfect way we love, and allow time for the fog to clear so that the Son can shine all the clearer. My prayer is that we will all know that we are deeply loved by a Heavenly Father that never mess ups.

Healing

I was reading in John 5 tonight about the healing pool at Bethesda. The pool where many would come to be healed. There's a swirling motion that happens from time to time in this pool and when this would occur, the blind, the lame, the sick would rush into this pool to be healed. There was an invalid who kept trying to get into the pool, but no one would help him. Jesus came along and asked the man if he wanted to get well. The invalid replied, "Sir I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." Jesus then told him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." Immediately, the man was cured. This story really struck me. Aren't we all trying to get into the pool? Aren't we all searching for healing and wholeness? Don't we all have something about us that we wish would be fixed? I definitely could say yes to all of this. I'm trying to get through the crowd of people, trying to even dip their toes into the pool, meanwhile, God is outside of the pool, trying to bring the healing to me. I get so caught up in my own method of fixing things that I fail to notice the restoring arms of God waiting for me. I run in the opposite direction because I can't let go of my precious independence and self-sufficiency. I desire healing but only through the method that seems safest to me. Preserving my self-reliance becomes most importance. So I deflect with sarcasm, cover up wounds with sassy remarks, and gloss over my insecurities with cynicism. And even on the days when I've given it my biggest effort, God is still waiting for me to realize that His way is best. Not because it's the easiest way, but because is the most thorough way. The heart is meant to be healed by the One who created it. My home will always be God's arms and therein lies complete restoration.

Prone to Wander

There came a point when I made a decision to surrender my life and passion to a story bigger than myself and to a God whose dreams for me were greater than anything I could ever come up with on my own. And I have followed Jesus for the greater part of my life. I’ve always seen every trial as an opportunity to grow, every wound a way to remain closer to my heavenly Father, and every pain felt in loving difficult people worth the sorrow because I have always believed in the God of reconciliation. I’ve walked this dusty, sometimes lonely, stormy path for some time now. There’s always been temptations to turn down some other road, one that’s easier, less rocky, more money at this job, less stress in this town, yet I’ve never allowed myself to linger very long at these crossroads. Now for  the first time ever, I’ve lingered at the crossroads. I’ve wondered what it would be like to be in charge of my own life. I’ve allowed myself to feel the softness of the path with fewer rocks. I’ve ventured down its many orchards and dipped my toes in its pools of water. I’ve felt the ease of doing whatever I feel like. And I’ve been burdened with the weight of the decision I must make. Do I continue on the path less traveled and continue to accept the trials, tears, and pain that come with it? Or do I continue on the path of self-sufficiency, independence, and financial security? God is familiar to me. Making the right decisions is what I know. And I’ve never questioned it. But rebellion is an entirely new concept for me. It’s something I’ve never had the courage to do. Something I’ve never had the desire to carry out. I’ve always liked being thought of as the good kid, the good example, or the one with such a great heart for the Lord. But the trap found in this, is instead of allowing myself my heart to remain connected to God, I’ve lived for the affirmation of others. I’ve found identity in my reputation of being a Christ follower. This can make the path of rebellion seem quite appealing for it’s less structured and more accepting of faults. The decision that has been bubbling inside of me since whatever day it was that I stopped living out of my heart for the Lord, is not the decision to go back to the familiar path, it’s the decision to take a new path. A path that’s full of the trials that come with following Jesus, yet full of the peace, joy, and unconditional love only found in His embrace. Instead of just allowing God to cleanse my mind, it’s time that I start allowing Him to penetrate my heart. God’s love is steady, yet because of its grandness, relying on it is an adventure. But I can’t limit my life to self-sufficiency, worldly success, and independence. I’m meant to be a part of a mind-blowing, heart enriching story that leads me closer to the wild love of God. I can no longer contain my passion for God in rule following, I need to give up on the idea that my identity is wrapped up in how I’m perceived by others. I cannot manicure the nature of God, I cannot groom it to fit my idea of success. The truth is, God loves me with a great love. And there’s nothing I can do to separate myself from that love. Every moment of rebellion is just an ache for God’s embrace. I’m done lingering.